Update XIX: Melancholy and the Infinite Napping

[King]

Another Onion homage to the Update story:

[King]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-somehow-overcomes-alcoholism-without-jesus,21146/

[King]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/10-people-who-made-no-difference-in-2014,37644/

"For the 32nd straight year, Benjamin basically just shuffled around like a giant dope."

[King]

Bushie's only hope is for a mad scientist to remove his brain and give him a robot body.

[King]

Of course he wants to get fired. The guy is worth at least $20/hr. How dare they expect him to give 100% when he's so beneath this job.

[King]

Bushie's life problems are best summed up by Obi-wan:

[King]

That and his demand to eat 5 cookies with every lunch and having it being called healthy.

[King]

Well, see, weight loss isn't Bushie's only health issue. Normally, I'd be a-okay with diet cokes and cold cuts, but his headache issue means aspartame and high sodium intake are huge no-nos. Also, I'd normally be against people who fry their veggies in butter and top it off with cheese or who need whipped cream on their fruit, but his nutrient intake is so poor that it'd be an improvement.

He needs to be as strict as possible, as jarring as such a lifestyle change may be. He honestly has nothing to lose. Certainly not a job. Certainly not any joy.

Fat camp may be in order, especially if he gets canned here.

[King]

Here's an interesting character to add to the Update Saga. Perhaps the new Russ Powers: http://oklahomacitybootcamp.com/

[King]

Poor bushie. I assume the diet is dead too. He's probably nursing his headache and spells at Braum's.

"You guys won't believe this, but chocolate shakes from Braum's actually reduce my headaches slightly."

[King]

Well, it might be a recession for oil states like Texas and Oklahoma. Low oil prices will stimulate growth for everyone else, though.

[King]

Bushie does love recording times, though.

[King]

They did manage to land the prestigious domain name Meatballs.com, and apparently is home of the 15 Layer Lasagna.

The food might be too ethnic for the Browns, though.

[King]

Worried about Bushie being gone from Update for much longer. This is about the time in his employment when his boss gets visibly frustrated with him and begins the process of forcing him out the door. He needs us now more than ever.

[King]

I believe she dumped him the last time, and I think the evidence supports that. But I think he forced her hand to do it because he lacked any affection towards her. I bet he gave her half hugs when they saw each other and rarely, if ever, kissed her, and she got tired of it. He probably professed his love more online than he did to her face.

I'm sure Bushie only did that as not to offend his parents by kissing a girl in their presence. Similar to not drinking.

[King]

Let's wish ODF a good weekend in Tulsa complete with the $200 monthly cable package and Braums.   PAPA needs more than his normal 60 hour week with this situation.

I guess Bushie can hang his hat on that he and Papa together average 40 hours a week.

[King]

What's up, guys!  I am breaking a two week moratorium temporarily to post my New Year's Eve schedule for 2014/2015:

Tuesday, December 30, 2014 - 2200 - Bed time
Wednesday, December 31, 2014:
0315 - Wake up
0400 - Watch the official birth of 2015 in Kiritimati, Kiribati.
0515 - Get Ready for Work

What are you going to be doing from 0316-0359 and 0401-0514?

[King]

Bushie, I think it's time to put any diet aside and celebrate the Philadelphia Eagles' elimination from the postseason with some authentic Italiano a la Domino's Pizza.

[King]

New Years is definitely a holy holiday for Bushie. It means we only have 6-9 years left before the rapture instead of 7-10.

[King]

How much did you pay End Times Ministries for that knowledge?

[King]

Fat is seen as sign  of  beauty in the 'Nesias. He might be a hot commodity among the ladies there.

[King]

So, a religion

[King]

Bushie's church's interpretation of most biblical and historical events is at odds and nontraditional.

[King]

Not that anyone cares, but my cousins are safe and sound at their house in Cameroon.

Will they be following the Africa Cup of Nations next month?

That would require them to immerse themselves in the culture of Cameroon. Their goal is the opposite.

[King]

"Dreams of Godly inspired  people" probably means he dreams of his grandma or parents saying "Jeff, God wants you to ______"