The Comedy Goldmine

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

Just because he comes out as gay, does not mean God hates gays or God hates the NBA.

Actually God may hate the NBA.  After all He allowed one of their franchises to move to Oklahoma.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

I don't know if to put this here, the deluge, or the GPG.

Hitchens in a nutshell:

HAR HAR CHRISTIANS SUCK THERE IS NO GOD LOLZ!

BOMB IRAQ BOMB IRAQ, INVADE AND SLAUGHTER PEOPLE!

HAR HAR TORTURE IS AWESOME!

HA HA BUSH RULES, LIBERALS WHO TRASH HIM SUCK, LIBERALS LOVE TERRORISTS!

There I completely summarized that idiot's "contribution" to public discourse.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

I don't get it.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

My favorite one is some girls rape so easy. That should be a 1960s Motown hit.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

On the bright side, Santa Clause can get some well-needed swimming exercise.

Do you guys think this is funny? We're all missing a huge part in global warming called farts. Gas produced from farting is causing harm to our environment. The more we fart, the warmer it gets. A way to moderate our urges is to limit farts to only when necessary or when it's going to be really funny. For example, it's hilarious to see who can fart the longest and whose smell the worst. However, with new reforms on farts comes sacrifice. Federal or state bureaucrats should always be in attendance of farting contests to ensure our environment isn't compromised for the sake of a few squeakers. Another problem with our environment that needs to be evaluated is the use of toilet paper. Toilet paper is very sacred as we must keep it to a minimum in order to prevent more trees from having to be cut down. It may be hard at first but no more rolling a handful of sheets for one little dab of the anus. We must use our resources wisely.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

Any combo of Bachmann, West, Santorum, Trump, or Cain.

Cain? The guy's a modern Martin Luther King, Jr.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

Apparently Grumps' anus plays Elvis music when he voids his bowels. What an impressive feat, I must say.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

See the thread's title.

Assad's been banging Michelle? It all makes sense now.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

Why do so many people have me on ignore? Should I stay off of the 2016 threads?

I'm sad

It's okay barfy.  Some people just have very delicate sensibilities.

Nah, if anyone had delicate sensibilities he would have pointed out long ago the grammatical error in the thread's title.  The objective form of the personal pronoun, whom, would have been correct.

I think it has more to do with the volume and quality of the posts.  I know I make some long posts that people don't read, but my posts are infrequent, and therefore precious.  Like diamonds.  Too many meaningless posts and they become like pebbles that just get in your way.  Those whose intellectual capacities are not sufficient to overlook them will resort to the "ignore" feature.  You gotta go away once in a while.  Find something else to do.  Make friends.  Talk to real life people about stuff.  Anyone who posts every thought that occurs to him is bound to annoy. 

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

I'd hate to post myself, but since it's so old:

These guys need their own sitcom:

Romney-Dad
Bachman-Mom
Pawlenty and Santorum-Sons
Paul-Wacky Grandpa (Mitt's Dad)
Huntsman-Romney's Half-Brother (Same Mom, different Dad)
Cain- Wacky Neighbor
Gringrich-Other Neighbor


Obama-Laugh Track
Anyway, Obama won.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

I’ve selected my three favourite, one each from different denominational tastes

EPISCOPALIAN

Oh My Lord

Words by - T. Ken Theepis
Arrangement by - Donna B. Sutch, A. Prude.

Oh my Lord, you are my Lord
Because I was brought up to praise you Lord
And if I wasn’t, then when I had a spiritual crisis Lord
I followed you as the culturally dominant faith Lord
So that I need not make a theistic choice Lord
Between competing beliefs that have similar claims of revelation Lord
Because that would be uncomfortable and require effort Lord
You are my Lord

Oh my Lord, you are my Lord
I believe you were the son of god my Lord
I’m not too sure about the tombs of Jerusalem bit Lord
When thousands of cadavers met their relatives Lord
It seems a bit far fetched but I can internalise it Lord
And accuse detractors of missing the finer points Lord
Besides there must be something out there Lord
It’s you my Lord

Oh my Lord, you’re my Lord too
I have internalised shame thanks to you my Lord
So I constrain my wife, close off my children Lord
From the wider world and other ways my Lord
I hate the gays, I hate the gays Lord
So I give blow jobs at gas stations and scrub myself till I bleed my Lord
For you my Lord

I’m the Lord, yes I’m the Lord
He’s a reflection of my worldview is Lord
He’s liberal Lord, He’s conservative Lord
He’s literal Lord, He’s figurative Lord
Like’s women Lord, wants them in the kitchen Lord
Likes gays my Lord, hates fags my Lord
He’s creation Lord, he’s evolution Lord
He’s white Lord, he’s black Lord
Though being Semitic, he’s probably neither Lord

Repeat ad nauseam.

MODERN HAPPY CLAPPY

Jesus

Copyright – Valley Song Destiny Ministry
(Minimum fee for performance: £250.00)

Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus

(five minute guitar riff)

Wave my hands for Jesus
Wear band tees for Jesus
Roll about the floor for Jesus!
BRTD will probably tell me the music is nothing like this (Oh Jesus)

(hand waving and general tittery)

Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus

(lights and f-cking whistles and sh-t so people don’t really hear what’s next)

We don’t tell you this for Jesus
We’re actually a huge ministry for Jesus
That helped pressure the government in Uganda for Jesus
To enact anti gay laws for Jesus

CATHOLIC

Prolixum
Anon.

Ego ture ac traditione
Mea, et pavete ad sacerdotum
Unde male dissimulare meum
Praeterea tradidit sermo facetus satis
Amen.


And yes this is a joke, a bit of humour and hopefully a cause for a little self reflection. I didn't of course choose a Quaker hymn for obvious reasons, besides they are pretty much amazing anyway because a little self reflection over mass participation seems to yield them very insightful and sensible results.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

Thank God he's not my dad

I think your Mom had more to do with it.  God already shot his wad twenty centuries ago.

Well, the answer on the gay child is barf worthy.

Yeah that's one of few things that really gets me about Christie.

Your boner for Christie is one of the few things that really gets me about you.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

There's always a brother, isn't there?

Thread deleted, explain?

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

Sadly I don't have a list of who's burning in hell for not having the same beliefs as me and who is not.  I think I left that in my other pants pocket.

EDIT: Just checked.  Yes, but she's getting out early for good behavior.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

Oh my god, JCL. Want me to send you my wedding pictures and a copy of my marriage license when I get married in California?

We can all send them. Make a gift basket.

Quite appropriate since JCL is a veritable basketcase.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

Sneakers O'Toole (abnormal)

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

Hilarious in hindsight,

That I need to start smoking pot to get away from this place

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

I apologize for making this thread, FWIW.  I take full responsibility for the ensuing s**tstorm.

Etiquette lesson: Apologizing requires the creation of a new thread.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

I plan on gathering up all the cat hair from the house, stuffing it into a plastic bag, and humping it until the tears stop spilling from my eyes and instead come careening out of my ..garden hose.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

Feel free to call it "attention wh**ing" or whatever, but I just thought it was worth mentioning.

Certainly a more worthwhile post than your other 6999.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

Lol this CJK character

You should have seen this:

https://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=123590.msg2636870#msg2636870

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

My real life is rather different from what you see online.

In real life, I'm a spokesman for an ancient alien race known as the Shadows, who indoctrinated me after my capture on the planet Z'ha'dum.  Though outwardly polite and gracious, I represent a dangerous hidden agenda.

I can only hope that my associates never learn of my online life.  How would they react, if they knew that I spend hours posting about a presidential election in the United States set to take place two years hence, when said elections are a sham?  After all, my associates already covertly control all major Earth governments, and their power will only grow in the years to come.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

NewYorkExpress, if you don't mind me asking: do you write for Family Circus?

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

Dave please don't listen to Adam's nonsense. Weed is much healthier for you than soda.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

It's bad taste to kiss and tell.

You've kissed those on your iggy list?