Update Season VIII - "Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!"

[Mr. Morden]

Links to previous episodes:
Episode 1: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!"
Episode 2: "Not Living Up to My Fatherly Duties"
Episode 3: "I Really Don't Think I Need Mental or Psychological Help"

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 4: "I Just Put My Father's Birthday Card in the Mail"

[We begin with a voiceover from holo-Bushie:]

The court proceedings didn't attract much media attention at first, but they were held in Oklahoma (again, with me participating remotely from Kenya), so my mother attended the proceedings every day.  My father had a busy work schedule, but he happened to be attending court the day that Inks blew up at me, and mentioned "Atlas".

[Cut to: Bushie family home, interior.  Mama Bushie is making dinner, and Papa Bushie stops by the kitchen for a word with her.]

Papa Bushie: Well, I mowed the lawn here, mowed the lawn at Bushie's house, chopped down the oak tree for firewood, installed cable TV, fixed the toilet, rescued the cat from the oak tree before I chopped it down, and....what else was I supposed to do?

Mama Bushie: Walk the dog.

Papa Bushie: Ah yes, J.J.

Mama Bushie: Or as some of like to call him, Blondie.  Of course, we never agreed on the name, just like we never agree on anything.  We're trapped in a loveless marriage, with our son as the only thing holding us together.

Papa Bushie: Let's move on.  I can't walk J.J., because he's missing, remember?

Mama Bushie: Right, missing ever since the tornado.  Oh well.  Hey, you said you cut down the oak tree?  It wasn't the one that that guy's been sleeping under for the last couple of weeks, is it?

Papa Bushie: No, no.  He's still there.  I mowed the lawn just inches from his face, and he didn't move.

Mama Bushie: But he's alive, right?  Should we call the police?  Or an ambulance?  Get him some help?

Papa Bushie: I went through his pockets looking for medical information, and no Ameriplan, so I think he's pretty much doomed anyway.

Hey, that was some performance in court today, wasn't it?  I hope Bushie can beat this thing, even though it means he'll never come back here, and our marriage will fall apart.

I was a little uncomfortable about him lying though.

Mama Bushie: What do you mean?

Papa Bushie: All that stuff about having meant to move to Kenya all along.  They'll see right through that.

Mama Bushie: But he *has* been planning to move to Kenya for a year now.

Papa Bushie: What?

Mama Bushie: Yeah, he wants to move there for good.  He's been talking about it since he got back from his first trip there.  Didn't he ever say anything to you?

Papa Bushie: WHAT?!?  I've been subsidizing his life, offering to support him while he goes through school for CAD, just so he could move away to a foreign country that's dirt poor, and he never told me??

[Papa Bushie then had something of a breakdown, which looked kind of like this (except replace the "Sea monster ate my ice cream" with "My son lied to me about his future plans": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79c5JKjAQFg ]

[Holobushie voiceover:]

My dad obviously didn't take the news very well, that I hadn't shared my plans with him about wanting to move to Kenya full time.  But he ultimately settled down.

He was still curious, though, about one thing.  What was the "Atlas" that Inks had mentioned in court?  Inks had mentioned something about an Atlas, and between that and some comments posted on my Facebook about Inks, he eventually stumbled upon https://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM one day while sitting on the toilet.

When he discovered the "Update" thread, it was a revelation sort of like this (Breaking Bad spoilers): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lC4tAK231mw

Papa Bushie: What?!?  He's been making these plans to move to Kenya all this time, and sharing it with strangers, but not me?  He sold me health insurance that he knew to be fraudulent?  And he had sex outside of marriage!!!

[Cut to Papa Bushie standing in front of the press, giving a statement about his son.]

Papa Bushie: I've been defending my son's choices, but I can no longer do so.  I'm not going to support his attempt to block extradition to the US any longer.  I mean, have you read this?

[He holds up a printout from the Update thread, and points to one post in particular.]

Papa Bushie: His cat scratched him and he started crying?  Have you ever heard such a thing?  What a wimp.

My Dad's press conference drew the media's attention to the "Update" thread in particular, and Atlas in general.  All of a sudden, everyone in America was talking about it, and invoking Atlas-isms.

[Cut to a montage of clips from TV, starting with a teaser for Anderson Cooper 360.]

Anderson Cooper: Tonight, Bushie continues to fight extradition to the United States.  Is the state of Oklahoma unfairly targeting him because he's a fat?

Also ahead tonight, we want to hear from you.  What is your opinion of Edward Snowden?  FF or HP?

We consider hypothetical electoral matchups: Snowden vs. jmfcst: Discuss with maps

And finally, is Miley Cyrus a virgin?

[Cut to Conan O'Brien monologue.]

Conan O'Brien: This is true: American expatriot Bushie might no longer be able to win a Philip Seymour Hoffman lookalike contest, as Mr. Hoffman has recently shaved his moustache.

Andy Richter: Congrats Phil.

Conan O'Brien: The Winfield legacy lives on.

Meanwhile, as the popularity of Atlas exploded, the forum was flooded with newbies registering, many of whom were fools who made lame attempts to latch on to forum memes that they completely misunderstood.

[Atlas forum exchange from early 2014:]

I will now accept my deluge.

No, I won't accept your deluge.  I'll Bradley Effect your Alpha Jew (normal).

Ugh.  Respect your elders newbies.  Learn the forum memes before making a fool of yourself.

Lol, infraction points for excessive parabole.

Shoot me now.

The fact that these newbs haven't all been banned shows how badly the mods have failed.

Complaining about the mods won't help girls get you.

TO BE CONTINUED....

[Grumpier Than Uncle Joe]

Bushie needs to understand it's the law of man, specifically Kenyan men, that takes precedence when it comes to adopting these kids.

It's just not going to happen, as Dukey has illustrated.

[opebo]

Try saving $15,000 a year

What the devil?  Your goals are mad - how could he ever make $15,000/year, much less save that much.  I assume you don't make more than that yourself, do you Inks?

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

This isn't going to end well, is it?

No, no it isn't. Bushie simply refuses to believe the law, which is very clearly written. The German mother he met was allowed to adopt because the court found she was capable of caring for them - since the law, you know, says single women are evaluated on a case by case basis. Single women.

I, of course, expect Bushie to come back and tell me I'm wrong and accuse me of trying to ruin his vacation, but whatever. It is what it is.

[politicus]

This isn't going to end well, is it?

No, no it isn't. Bushie simply refuses to believe the law, which is very clearly written. The German mother he met was allowed to adopt because the court found she was capable of caring for them - since the law, you know, says single women are evaluated on a case by case basis. Single women.

I, of course, expect Bushie to come back and tell me I'm wrong and accuse me of trying to ruin his vacation, but whatever. It is what it is.

So what, he just needs a sex change operation and a pair of fake boobs. There are plenty of big gals out there, no one will know the difference.

[memphis]

Try saving $15,000 a year

What the devil?  Your goals are mad - how could he ever make $15,000/year, much less save that much.  I assume you don't make more than that yourself, do you Inks?

I don't believe Inks has ever stated aspirations to fatherhood either. At least not in the short term.
Also: http://www.npr.org/2013/06/27/195967886/six-words-black-babies-cost-less-to-adopt

[Joe Biden 2020]

The best course of action if he wanted to do something for impoverished Kenyan children:

1. Get the CAD
2. Get some work experience in the US (1 year minimum)
3. Move to Kenya and secure a job (shouldn't be impossible in a booming economy)
4. Marry a Kenyan single mother - plenty of widows/abandoned women with kids around.

Of course he may not like being a mealticket in such a direct way, but Kenya has plenty of devout Christian widows with children, so he should be able to meet a person where they a least had religion in common. http://mingle2.com/online-dating/zacatecas/nairobi-kenya/christian-dating

Just me fantasizing about a happy ending...

But yeah, Jeff's communication with God seems to be a problem. He uses those prayer sessions with the big man above to get an excuse for doing the easy thing. If you are a believer prayer is a powerful tool whether its used right or wrong. I think his church is letting him down not talking to him about this, but then again maybe someone does and he just ignores it.

This is the only post I'm responding to.  Those are exactly my plans.  Get the CAD certificate, secure an American job for 12-18 months in Oklahoma City, then secure a job in either Nairobi or Kisumu initially.  I would like to marry a Kenyan wife to make the adoption even possible to begin with.  I know the law and far be it from me to try to circumvent the laws.  As far as the fatherhood, I am going to visit their home Saturday. I asked about calling me their daddy and the Maisha Administrator here in Kenya, Paul, said it is important that they see you as father, because you are their only way to receive an education.  Without me, they would likely not see their 15th birthday.  That is straight from Paul's mouth who sets up and organizes sponsorships.  The grandmother is not in good shape and may not last much longer so the kids only source of support would be me.  They would stay with relatives or friends when she passes.

[Grumpier Than Uncle Joe]

Just me fantasizing about a happy ending...

Haven't we  had enough talk about brief relaxations in this thread? 

[opebo]

3. Move to Kenya and secure a job (shouldn't be impossible in a booming economy)

There are never any jobs for foreigners in these 'developing countries', except for a few teachers and a few oil industry workers, and Kenya isn't promising on either of those fronts (largely English speaking already, no oil).

[bore]

The best course of action if he wanted to do something for impoverished Kenyan children:

1. Get the CAD
2. Get some work experience in the US (1 year minimum)
3. Move to Kenya and secure a job (shouldn't be impossible in a booming economy)
4. Marry a Kenyan single mother - plenty of widows/abandoned women with kids around.

Of course he may not like being a mealticket in such a direct way, but Kenya has plenty of devout Christian widows with children, so he should be able to meet a person where they a least had religion in common. http://mingle2.com/online-dating/zacatecas/nairobi-kenya/christian-dating

Just me fantasizing about a happy ending...

But yeah, Jeff's communication with God seems to be a problem. He uses those prayer sessions with the big man above to get an excuse for doing the easy thing. If you are a believer prayer is a powerful tool whether its used right or wrong. I think his church is letting him down not talking to him about this, but then again maybe someone does and he just ignores it.

This is the only post I'm responding to.  Those are exactly my plans.  Get the CAD certificate, secure an American job for 12-18 months in Oklahoma City, then secure a job in either Nairobi or Kisumu initially.  I would like to marry a Kenyan wife to make the adoption even possible to begin with.  I know the law and far be it from me to try to circumvent the laws.  As far as the fatherhood, I am going to visit their home Saturday. I asked about calling me their daddy and the Maisha Administrator here in Kenya, Paul, said it is important that they see you as father, because you are their only way to receive an education.  Without me, they would likely not see their 15th birthday.  That is straight from Paul's mouth who sets up and organizes sponsorships.  The grandmother is not in good shape and may not last much longer so the kids only source of support would be me.  They would stay with relatives or friends when she passes.

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

[MasterJedi]

Bushie really is re-dedicating himself to his one true god Satan. Lying to the forum and everyone else on mass, taking anything he can with no remorse from family and friends, abusing puppies, lying and deceiving Kenyan children about ever adopting them. I wonder where he can go from here.

[Bacon King]

So what, he just needs a sex change operation and a pair of fake boobs. There are plenty of big gals out there, no one will know the difference.

This would be the greatest twist to the Bushie saga yet.




edit: Mr. Morden, I love you and want to have your babies

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

Try saving $15,000 a year

What the devil?  Your goals are mad - how could he ever make $15,000/year, much less save that much.  I assume you don't make more than that yourself, do you Inks?

I'm not trying to adopt 2 children.  The point is that he should see if he's even capable of making enough money to raise a kid before he tries to adopt one.  If he can't make $15,000/year, he can't afford to adopt 2 kids.

[Lief 🗽]

The best course of action if he wanted to do something for impoverished Kenyan children:

1. Get the CAD
2. Get some work experience in the US (1 year minimum)
3. Move to Kenya and secure a job (shouldn't be impossible in a booming economy)
4. Marry a Kenyan single mother - plenty of widows/abandoned women with kids around.

Of course he may not like being a mealticket in such a direct way, but Kenya has plenty of devout Christian widows with children, so he should be able to meet a person where they a least had religion in common. http://mingle2.com/online-dating/zacatecas/nairobi-kenya/christian-dating

Just me fantasizing about a happy ending...

But yeah, Jeff's communication with God seems to be a problem. He uses those prayer sessions with the big man above to get an excuse for doing the easy thing. If you are a believer prayer is a powerful tool whether its used right or wrong. I think his church is letting him down not talking to him about this, but then again maybe someone does and he just ignores it.

This is the only post I'm responding to.  Those are exactly my plans.  Get the CAD certificate, secure an American job for 12-18 months in Oklahoma City, then secure a job in either Nairobi or Kisumu initially.  I would like to marry a Kenyan wife to make the adoption even possible to begin with.  I know the law and far be it from me to try to circumvent the laws.  As far as the fatherhood, I am going to visit their home Saturday. I asked about calling me their daddy and the Maisha Administrator here in Kenya, Paul, said it is important that they see you as father, because you are their only way to receive an education.  Without me, they would likely not see their 15th birthday.  That is straight from Paul's mouth who sets up and organizes sponsorships.  The grandmother is not in good shape and may not last much longer so the kids only source of support would be me.  They would stay with relatives or friends when she passes.

Ah, so the only one you'll trust is the guy who would be out a job if you didn't send him $70 a month. Makes sense. Very logical.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

The best course of action if he wanted to do something for impoverished Kenyan children:

1. Get the CAD
2. Get some work experience in the US (1 year minimum)
3. Move to Kenya and secure a job (shouldn't be impossible in a booming economy)
4. Marry a Kenyan single mother - plenty of widows/abandoned women with kids around.

Of course he may not like being a mealticket in such a direct way, but Kenya has plenty of devout Christian widows with children, so he should be able to meet a person where they a least had religion in common. http://mingle2.com/online-dating/zacatecas/nairobi-kenya/christian-dating

Just me fantasizing about a happy ending...

But yeah, Jeff's communication with God seems to be a problem. He uses those prayer sessions with the big man above to get an excuse for doing the easy thing. If you are a believer prayer is a powerful tool whether its used right or wrong. I think his church is letting him down not talking to him about this, but then again maybe someone does and he just ignores it.

This is the only post I'm responding to.  Those are exactly my plans.  Get the CAD certificate, secure an American job for 12-18 months in Oklahoma City, then secure a job in either Nairobi or Kisumu initially.  I would like to marry a Kenyan wife to make the adoption even possible to begin with.  I know the law and far be it from me to try to circumvent the laws.  As far as the fatherhood, I am going to visit their home Saturday. I asked about calling me their daddy and the Maisha Administrator here in Kenya, Paul, said it is important that they see you as father, because you are their only way to receive an education.  Without me, they would likely not see their 15th birthday.  That is straight from Paul's mouth who sets up and organizes sponsorships.  The grandmother is not in good shape and may not last much longer so the kids only source of support would be me.  They would stay with relatives or friends when she passes.

Ah, so the only one you'll trust is the guy who would be out a job if you didn't send him $70 a month. Makes sense. Very logical.

Well, he also believed last night that he could adopt the children because a single German mother said so, so of course it makes sense to believe the guy who's in charge of donations! What else would he say, they really don't need your money?

I just think it's extremely dishonest to tell someone they are these kids father when he knows that's BS. These super religious people are just the worst.

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

The best course of action if he wanted to do something for impoverished Kenyan children:

1. Get the CAD
2. Get some work experience in the US (1 year minimum)
3. Move to Kenya and secure a job (shouldn't be impossible in a booming economy)
4. Marry a Kenyan single mother - plenty of widows/abandoned women with kids around.

Of course he may not like being a mealticket in such a direct way, but Kenya has plenty of devout Christian widows with children, so he should be able to meet a person where they a least had religion in common. http://mingle2.com/online-dating/zacatecas/nairobi-kenya/christian-dating

Just me fantasizing about a happy ending...

But yeah, Jeff's communication with God seems to be a problem. He uses those prayer sessions with the big man above to get an excuse for doing the easy thing. If you are a believer prayer is a powerful tool whether its used right or wrong. I think his church is letting him down not talking to him about this, but then again maybe someone does and he just ignores it.

This is the only post I'm responding to.  Those are exactly my plans.  Get the CAD certificate, secure an American job for 12-18 months in Oklahoma City, then secure a job in either Nairobi or Kisumu initially.  I would like to marry a Kenyan wife to make the adoption even possible to begin with.  I know the law and far be it from me to try to circumvent the laws.  As far as the fatherhood, I am going to visit their home Saturday. I asked about calling me their daddy and the Maisha Administrator here in Kenya, Paul, said it is important that they see you as father, because you are their only way to receive an education.  Without me, they would likely not see their 15th birthday.  That is straight from Paul's mouth who sets up and organizes sponsorships.  The grandmother is not in good shape and may not last much longer so the kids only source of support would be me.  They would stay with relatives or friends when she passes.

1. Marrying a woman solely for the purpose of wanting to adopt 2 kids is a terribly bad idea and an insult to the Christian views on marriage.
2. You are not the only way they will receive an education.  Without you, there would be others.  Do all of the kids in the orphanage have sponsors?
3. It's not even actually you who is paying the money.

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

This is an interesting thought... do all of the kids in the orphanage have specific sponsors?

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

This is an interesting thought... do all of the kids in the orphanage have specific sponsors?

If it's like any african thing, you sent money to them and they send you pictures and you can write to "them" whenever you want. Most of the money goes to keeping up the orphanage and yes, probably to their education, but I doubt ONLY Bushie's donations are set aside for those kids. I am sure the revenue is pooled and spent where they are needed.

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

This is an interesting thought... do all of the kids in the orphanage have specific sponsors?

If it's like any african thing, you sent money to them and they send you pictures and you can write to "them" whenever you want. Most of the money goes to keeping up the orphanage and yes, probably to their education, but I doubt ONLY Bushie's donations are set aside for those kids. I am sure the revenue is pooled and spent where they are needed.

It's not fun when you spoil my logical conclusions.

Now Jeff will just ignore what I'm saying.  To get through to him, you have to walk him through each step of the logical process.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

I can delete my post! I doubt he has seen it!

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

I can delete my post! I doubt he has seen it!

Meh... I've already got another route I can take with it.

[Lief 🗽]

Bushie, do your "children" know about the Atlas forum?

[patrick1]

More delusions, hurray.

[Eraserhead]

I wish Bushie would come back to the US, find this poor puppy a real home and then start dating some crazy Oklahoman woman again. Then we could all have some laughs.

Right now this thread is just darkness.

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

I wish Bushie would come back to the US, find this poor puppy a real home and then start dating some crazy Oklahoman woman again. Then we could all have some laughs.

Right now this thread is just darkness.

I realize I'm harsh on him a lot, but seriously... this is depressing right now.  He's on a path that's going to ruin his life and could seriously scar some innocent children.