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Author Topic: The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie ***FINAL EPISODE***  (Read 29718 times)
Mr. Morden
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« on: June 29, 2013, 06:29:06 am »
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OK, this started as my attempt at a "midseason replacement" within the Update thread, when Bushie was traveling to Kenya.  But the Update thread is locked, and at Bacon King's suggestion, I'm putting this in its own standalone thread.

Please note that while this is focused on two "characters" from Update (Bushie's dog and a fictional enemy of Bushie who tried to throw rocks at him), there are a number of appearances from other Atlas characters throughout the story (especially going forward, beyond the four instalments I've already written).  But I hope that everyone takes this all in good fun, and not as a personal attack against them.  If you're offended by any of this, let me know.  But this is Atlas Forum fan fiction, so to speak, so I hope no one gets upset over this.

In any case, I'll create separate posts for possible later copying and pasting of the four existing episodes.  Too tedious to do it now, when Update is locked, because of all the quote boxes I'd have to remake.  If/when Update is unlocked, I can more properly copy and paste them.

EDIT: It's been unlocked, so I can repost them:

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie

Episode 1: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!"

[Blondie sits in front of a campfire inside his dog house.  A hobo steps through the dog house doorway, and joins him at the fire.]

Hobo: I hope you don't mind if I take shelter in here?

Blondie: I'm just a dog.  Who am I to complain?

Hobo: Fair enough.

Blondie: But if you really want shelter, you should knock on the door of the adjacent mobile home.  You know, a mobile home for humans.  This is a dog house, genius.

Hobo: The Bushie family?  I can't stand them.  You see, the kid in that family, BushOklahoma, had abandoned his house, and it turned into a great location for group sex for myself and my associates.  However, we were found out, and the police got involved, and the whole thing was a mess.  BushOK actually moved back here from out of state, and began regular patrols of the property.  I mean, he started driving by the house for a few minutes at least once a week.  How are we supposed to ensure our privacy when he's harassing us like that?  Ever sense then, I've been trying to kill him, or at least maim him, by dropping rocks off of nearby buildings.

Blondie: So, you know the Bushie family as well?  I've actually been adopted by them.  It's a rather unfortunate state of affairs though.  I show up here a few weeks ago, looking for food and shelter.  I figure I was owned by some other family, but I don't know.  I was only a six week old puppy.  What the hell do I know?  Can you remember what happens from one day to the next when you're six weeks old?  Anyway, I show up, figure they'll return me to my owner.  Seems like they make a halfhearted attempt to find my owner.  Next thing I know, I'm being left out here in the heat all day with minimal shelter and very little human companionship.  On top of that, they start calling me J.J. for no good reason.  I'd already learned that my name was Blondie.  You're going to confuse a puppy like that?  So they won't let inside their mobile home, and they only come out briefly each day to throw a ball for me to retrieve.  Sometimes the old man walks me, but it's not much.  It's gotten worse, since BushOK left for his week in Kenya.  Hope he comes back soon, and makes a real effort to find my original owner.

Hobo: I see.  Sounds like we both have reasons to hold a grudge against the Bushie family.

Blondie: Indeed we do.......Can I ask you three more questions?

Hobo: Sure, no problem.  I've got all the time in the world.

Blondie: OK, well, I'm not sure I know how to put this.  But how do you explain what's happening to you right now: a talking dog, a campfire inside a dog house which should not logically be large enough to fit a camp fire, a dog, and a human?

Hobo: Oh, yeah.  That.  Well, I'm pretty high right now, so nothing would surprise me.  In any case, if I can't explain it, can you?  What's your explanation for how you can talk, and why the dog house is so big on the inside, like the Tardis or something?

Blondie: Don't know.  I'm just a dog.  How am I supposed to know how the world works?  Anyway, my second question is: What's your name?  I told you mine was Blondie.  How about you?

Hobo: I don't actually know my real name.  I have amnesia.  That is, everything before about 2008 is kind of a fog.  Tried to find out who I was, but I lost the will to keep looking for clues, became destitute, and found release in the orgies I participate in.  Anyway, the only name I know is the one I've taken on for myself, Hog.

Blondie: Well Hog, nice to meet you.

[Blondie puts out his paw to shake, and Hog takes it and greets him.]

Hog: So what's your third question?

Blondie: You asked if you could take shelter in here.  Well, shelter from what, specifically?  Just an "I'm homeless, and I need some place to sleep" kind of shelter, or are you taking refuge from something in particular?

Hog: You mean you don't know?  There's a tornado coming.  Can't you hear the winds?  You're a dog, so I thought you'd have super hearing or something.

Blondie: A tornado?!?

[Blondie starts digging furiously in the dirt, which sprays onto the fire, and puts it out.]

Hog: What are you doing?

Blondie: [Blondie continues to dig as he responds.]  Digging.  If there's a tornado on the way, we have to get to low ground.  There's nowhere around where there's low ground.  So we make some low ground by digging.  I mean, I'm a dog.  It's the only good response I have in a crisis like this.

[Hog peers out the dog house door at the approaching storm.]

Hog: It's too late for that now.

[Moments later, the dog house is swept up by the approaching winds, and launched high into the air.  Blondie and Hog hang onto the house for dear life.

As they're sucked into the vortex, they look out at the debris flying through the air.  They see mobile homes, and what look like human bodies, both dead and alive.

Nearby, they see what looks like Inks riding a bicycle in the air.  It slowly morphs into an image of Inks riding a broomstick and cackling.  It looks remarkably like the 3:08 mark in this clip, but with the human characters as male rather than female.

Finally, the dog house, with Blondie and Hog inside, crashes to the ground, and Hog loses consciousness.

An undetermined amount of time later, Hog wakes up to Blondie licking his face.]

Hog: What are you doing?

Blondie: Waking you up.  Sorry for the crude method, but I'm a dog.  It's the only way I know how.

Hog: No sweat.  [Hog stands up and looks around.]  How long was I out?

Blondie: Don't know.  But look!  [He points.]  The dog house is still in relatively good shape.  And the tornado's gone.  Looks like it wasn't as destructive as we thought.  And we haven't even been displaced that far from our original location.  The Bushie family trailer home is right there, just 100 yards or so away.

Good morning.

[Bushie appears behind them.  Blondie and Hog are startled at Bushie's surprise appearance.  But Hog quickly picks up the nearest rock and tosses it at Bushie's head.  The rock miraculously flies right through Bushie's head and he's unharmed.]

Oh, throwing rocks at me won't hurt.  I mean, I know you're my friend and you're just looking out for me, even though you just tried to kill me.  It doesn't bother me though.  I don't take it personally.  But you can't hurt me because I'm not really here.  I'm a holographic projection from the future, and can only communicate with you through these text boxes.  I've come here from the future so I can help you.


TO BE CONTINUED....
« Last Edit: February 14, 2015, 11:43:53 pm by Mr. Morden »Logged

My magnum opus is now complete.  Read the complete "The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy & Blondie" (now in paperback).

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« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2013, 06:30:46 am »
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The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 2: "Not Living Up to My Fatherly Duties"

[We pick up from last time.  Holographic Bushie stands before Blondie and Hog.]

Hog: What is this?  A hologram from the future?!?  You're just that little @$%^ who took away my favorite place for orgies by patrolling the property.

Yes sir, that is me.  I'm BushOklahoma.  Or should I say NasoOklahoma, since I voted for President Naso in the last election?  Or maybe I should go by NasoKenya?  Anyway, yes, I'm actually in the year 2035.  But with Rainbow Holographic Systems, I'm projecting myself back in time to you.  I appear in the form of a hologram that only you can see and hear, Hog.

Blondie: But I can see and hear you too.

That's a good dog.  Yes, J.J.  You can see me too.  Animals and children under five can see me too.  But Hog is the only adult who can see me.

Blondie: Please don't call me J.J.

Oh, but I'm just so happy to see you.  And back when you were a puppy too!  If I weren't a hologram, I'd be loving all over you.

Blondie: Can we move on?

Sure.  Anyway, I was tracking that tornado that hit you, posting about it in my group on NSAbook.

Blondie: NSAbook?

It's a popular social networking site in 2035.  It doesn't give you any privacy.  But I'm always careful not to share too much on the internet anyway, so it works for me.

Anyway, I was following the storm, and tracked you here.  That storm has transported you across great distances of time and space.  Several years have passed since that tornado has whisked you away.

Hog: What?  You're saying that *we're* in the future now too?  Get your story straight.  I thought you were in the future.

Well, yes, you've been transported into the future, but I'm farther in the future.  You see....

Blondie: Don't be ridiculous Bushie.  We haven't gone very far at all.  There's your mobile home just over that way.

[Blondie starts running over to the Bushie family mobile home.  Hog starts to walk briskly in the same direction.]

You're going to walk all the way over there?  That's practically in another time zone!

Hog: What are you talking about?  We'll be there in about two minutes.

That's too far for me.  What if it starts snowing on the way?  I can't risk it.

[A holographic golf cart appears, and Bushie gets into it, and starts making his way to the Bushie family house.  About five minutes later, Blondie and Hog are standing in front of the Bushie family estate, waiting for holo-Bushie to arrive.  He slowly pulls up in his golf cart, Big Mac in hand.]

Sorry.  Had to stop for something to eat.  No time to make a meal on my own.  Only McDonald's drive through available.

Blondie: There's a McDonald's drive through in the middle of your imaging chamber, or wherever it is you are in the future?

Never mind that.  Listen--

[Suddenly, a man emerged from the Bushie family home.]

RickRoll!  You've woken up.

RickRoll: Bushie, is that you?  Your hair's a bit grayer, and you're even fatter than I remember you, but it is you, isn't it?....But how did you know I was asleep?  I'd been wandering around after that tornado, found that tree over there (points), and fell asleep for a while.  Then I wake up, my beard's really long and I have some gray in my hair, so I find my way into this trailer park and found some rotting food in this home, but also a razor, so I shaved off the beard.  Then I come out here, and see you and your friend here with a talking dog?  What the smurf are you doing here?  It's kind of like that time in college when--

Look, this is my story.  You all can't keep interrupting me when--

Blondie: Wait a minute, how can he see you?  I thought Hog was the only adult human who could see you?  Are you telling us the whole truth?

(flustered) Well, Hog plus children under 5 plus animals plus people who went to college with me.  No, I'm not hiding the truth from you, it's just complicated.  Look, I'm telling the truth and I'm not a liar.  I haven't failed at hologramming.

Now come on, it seems like the Lord wants you here for a reason.  He's dropped off Hog and J.J. from the tornado, and put RickRoll to sleep only to wake up now.  You both came from roughly the same time in 2013, so He must have something special planned for you.

I have to tell you what's happened in the world since you departed.

It all started the week that I was in Kenya, when the US Supreme Court handed down their decision on gay marriage.  Justice Kennedy tried to draft a decision that was very narrowly tailored on states' rights, but because of a typographical error on page 185 of the decision, he ended up giving every state the right to decide on marriage issues except Oklahoma.  In Oklahoma, not only was gay marriage made legal, but every adult male was legally *required* to gay marry another adult male.  While most Oklahoman men were unhappy about participating in a sin, they had no choice, because the law's the law.  This led to--

[Bushie stops to take a bite out of his hamburger.]

Good grief, this is exhausting.  This is all the exposition I can take for now.  Look, there's an easier way for me to give you this information.  If you go in the new attachment to the trailer, you can find all my Dad's gizmos.  In this era, it's possible to just plug implants into your watches, and it'll transmit to you all the information you need.  You can find out all about Fredward and all of the terrible things that have happened since that tornado.

Blondie: Fredward?

Yeah, and sorry.  But it only works for people, not dogs.  Hog and RickRoll can plug themselves in, learn everything they need to know, and then fill in J.J. separately.  I'll stay out here and try to play fetch with J.J., even though I'm only a hologram.

Blondie: Kill me now.

[Hog and RickRoll made their way to the workshop in the Bushie home, found the implants for their watches that holo-Bushie had told them about, and plugged themselves in.  It all started flooding their minds: The Supreme Court ruling, as Bushie had explained, the fact that Oklahoman men were forced to gay marry, starting in 2013.

And then......the fertility treatments.  While the Christian men of Oklahoma deplored the fact that they had to marry each other, they knew they had to at least obey the Lord's commandment to be fruitful and multiply.  There still had to be subsequent generations of Oklahomans.  So they embraced a new, experimental fertility treatment that allowed men to become pregnant, to produce the offspring of two men.  The male/male married couples of Oklahoma began producing these offspring, but only within the participating fertility clinics (all fully paid for for those who had Ameriplan Insurance).

The first pregnant man was Frederick, who produced a child with his husband Edward.  They named their son Fredward.  Subsequently, other married couples began producing children who took on hybrid names of their parents, and on it went for some time.....

Hog and RickRoll snapped out of it, and immediately sang a song about what they had learned.  It went just like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNhXYmJ0G8c ]


TO BE CONTINUED....
« Last Edit: June 29, 2013, 07:38:46 pm by Mr. Morden »Logged

My magnum opus is now complete.  Read the complete "The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy & Blondie" (now in paperback).

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« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2013, 06:32:00 am »
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The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 3: "I Really Don't Think I Need Mental or Psychological Help"

[Holo-Bushie is outside the Bushie family mobile home, pretending to throw a stick that Blondie will fetch.  But obviously, he's just a hologram, so he can't throw a stick that Blondie could possibly catch.]

(in baby voice, just after making a throwing motion) Where did it go?  Where did the stick go?  Aren't you going to fetch it J.J.?

Blondie: I'm not going to play along with your stupid games.  Why don't you try filling me in on all the exposition that the other two are having dumped over their heads right now?

You don't want to fetch?  Besides, they can tell you all about the male/male hybrid babies when you're on your road trip.

Blondie: What road trip?  And male/male hybrid babies?  And earlier you talked about someone named Fredward?  Does this story have any female characters at all?  And what's with all the exposition?  Isn't this supposed to be about the adventures of Hog and me?

Please, don't break the fourth wall.

But look, we've got to keep playing out here, because you can't go inside.  You're not housebroken.  And besides, I'm just a hologram, so I can't open the door to let you in.  And in any case, there's no room inside.  We just don't have the space to keep a dog in there.

[Blondie growls at Bushie.]

OK, fine.  I'll just peek inside and see how they're doing.

[Bushie, in holographic form, walks through the wall of the mobile home, appearing inside just when Hog and RickRoll finish their Fredward song.]

RickRoll: Same old Bushie.  Walking in on people at inappropriate times.  Do you remember in college, when you walked in on Steve when he was frenching What's-Her-Name, and you thought she was pregnant?

I've moved past that.  Let's move on.  Why don't you try the next implant?  I know you've just covered the business with the male pregnancies, but we're getting a little ahead of ourselves.  Why don't you try this one, about the court proceedings about whether I should be ordered back to America after the Supreme Court ruling?  Once it was ruled that every unmarried man in Oklahoma had to be gay married, I decided to accelerate my plan to move to Kenya permanently.

RickRoll: You stayed in Kenya for asylum, so you wouldn't have to move back to Oklahoma to marry a man?

It was an issue, what to do with the Oklahoma men who were out of state, or out of the country.  Fortunately, I had good legal representation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czI2hfSas2Y

Hog: What was that?

Sorry.  Executive order from President Naso.  Every court scene must be preceded by the Night Court theme.

[We dissolve on a federal court room interior.  Inks.LWC is representing Bushie in this hearing, which is being held to determine whether the federal government should order that Bushie return to Oklahoma from Kenya, where he currently resides, and from which he is appearing by live video feed.]

Inks: Your honor, my client is being asked to appear in the state of Oklahoma for the purpose of being married off to another Oklahoma man.  I ask you, how can such a fate be inflicted on any man, to be forced to be married to my client, one of the most despicable human beings I have ever had the misfortune of looking upon?  Would that not be cruel and unusual punishment?

Judge: That's your argument?  That your client is such an awful person that we cannot force him upon any potential spouse?  I'm afraid that the Supreme Court ruling makes no character exemptions.

Inks: Your honor, I intend to produce numerous character witnesses who will testify to the exceptionally low character of my client.  His transgressions go beyond that of any human being the Supreme Court could have contemplated.

Judge: And yet you've also described numerous psychological ailments that you believe Mr. Bushie suffers from.  You believe that he is not actually responsible for his actions?

Inks: Legally, he bears no responsibility.  That is correct, your honor.  However, I still judge him on a personal level, and am so repulsed by his actions over these last few years, that I can only find satisfaction in berating him constantly for his sins, making him feel as guilty as possible.  Even though, yes, legally, he has no idea what he's doing.

Judge: This is quite an unusual legal defense.  Mr. Bushie, Mr. Inks was assigned to defend you, because you could not afford your own attorney.  However, given the circumstances, are you sure you don't want a replacement?

BushOK: (on video monitor) Not at all, your honour.  I know Inks only says these awful things because he cares.  He wants to get me to change, though I think he's going about it the wrong way.  Can we move on?  I'm done with this topic.

Can we talk about how I called you "Your honour", because they use British spellings here in Kenya, and I'm a Kenyan now?

Judge: Yes, I'm aware of this novel attempt to prove that you've been planning a move to Kenya for some time now by using British spellings in your sworn statement.  I noticed the "honour", "colour", and "behaviour".  I even noticed the questionable placements of "U"s in some cases.  Mr. Bushie, I don't think they spell "orange" "o-u-r-a-n-g-e" in Kenya.

BushOK: Well, I'm trying.  I just want to fit in here in Kenya, and show my Kenyan patriotism.  I want to learn more about the sports here...like football, which you Americans call soccer.  I'm really getting into sports, and will watch the cricket team play for hours on end for several days in a row.  Which I think is the playing time for a single game.

I'm sure President Uhuru Kenyatta, his deputy William Ruto, and everyone else in the government here would be impressed by my deep knowledge of my homeland here.  Just like I'm sure your American President, who, if you didn't know, is of Kenyan ancestry himself, is proud of Kenyan immigrants to America, like Barack Obama Sr.  I'm reading everything I can here about Kenya, on sources like CNN International.  And occasionally going outside to talk to people about life here.

Inks: Your honor, I believe if we demonstrate that my client had been planning to move to Kenya long before this Supreme Court ruling was made, that would argue against his classification as a resident of Oklahoma at the time of the ruling, thus nullifying the applicability of the marriage order to him.  In addition to the contemporaneous written statements made by him on the "Atlas" forum, I believe a desire to flee the country for good is the only logical implication of his horrible treatment of everyone around him within the United States.  He was clearly trying to burn all his bridges in this country before leaving it forever.

BushOK: Inks, I know you're my lawyer, and you've been a very good lawyer.  I support you 100%.  But why do you have to say such hurtful things?

Inks: (his voice rising) Bushie, why did you keep lying to us on Update?  Why didn't you move back to your own house when you left Utah, rather than leech off your parents?  Why didn't you look for a job?  Why didn't you walk the dog, or mow the lawn?  WHY DIDN'T YOU THROW OUT THE ROTTEN FRUIT?  You wanted to take advantage of everyone in the United States before moving on to Kenya, didn't you?

BushOK: Wow, just....wow.  Inks, there is no reason to try to catch me in every little thing I did wrong.  I made mistakes, I know that.  I have no excuse for that.  Seriously, why can't I tell my story without being grilled like this?  I know you're my lawyer, and you care about me, and you're just trying to help me, but this behavior is really uncalled for.

....I mean...I'm sorry, but can the court reporter make a note that in saying "this behavior is really uncalled for", I was pronouncing "behavior" as "behaviour" and "for" as "four"?


TO BE CONTINUED....
« Last Edit: June 29, 2013, 07:40:52 pm by Mr. Morden »Logged

My magnum opus is now complete.  Read the complete "The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy & Blondie" (now in paperback).

Watch Dave being briefed by the mods.

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« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2013, 06:32:58 am »
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The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 4: "I Just Put My Father's Birthday Card in the Mail"

[We begin with a voiceover from holo-Bushie:]

The court proceedings didn't attract much media attention at first, but they were held in Oklahoma (again, with me participating remotely from Kenya), so my mother attended the proceedings every day.  My father had a busy work schedule, but he happened to be attending court the day that Inks blew up at me, and mentioned "Atlas".

[Cut to: Bushie family home, interior.  Mama Bushie is making dinner, and Papa Bushie stops by the kitchen for a word with her.]

Papa Bushie: Well, I mowed the lawn here, mowed the lawn at Bushie's house, chopped down the oak tree for firewood, installed cable TV, fixed the toilet, rescued the cat from the oak tree before I chopped it down, and....what else was I supposed to do?

Mama Bushie: Walk the dog.

Papa Bushie: Ah yes, J.J.

Mama Bushie: Or as some of like to call him, Blondie.  Of course, we never agreed on the name, just like we never agree on anything.  We're trapped in a loveless marriage, with our son as the only thing holding us together.

Papa Bushie: Let's move on.  I can't walk J.J., because he's missing, remember?

Mama Bushie: Right, missing ever since the tornado.  Oh well.  Hey, you said you cut down the oak tree?  It wasn't the one that that guy's been sleeping under for the last couple of weeks, is it?

Papa Bushie: No, no.  He's still there.  I mowed the lawn just inches from his face, and he didn't move.

Mama Bushie: But he's alive, right?  Should we call the police?  Or an ambulance?  Get him some help?

Papa Bushie: I went through his pockets looking for medical information, and no Ameriplan, so I think he's pretty much doomed anyway.

Hey, that was some performance in court today, wasn't it?  I hope Bushie can beat this thing, even though it means he'll never come back here, and our marriage will fall apart.

I was a little uncomfortable about him lying though.

Mama Bushie: What do you mean?

Papa Bushie: All that stuff about having meant to move to Kenya all along.  They'll see right through that.

Mama Bushie: But he *has* been planning to move to Kenya for a year now.

Papa Bushie: What?

Mama Bushie: Yeah, he wants to move there for good.  He's been talking about it since he got back from his first trip there.  Didn't he ever say anything to you?

Papa Bushie: WHAT?!?  I've been subsidizing his life, offering to support him while he goes through school for CAD, just so he could move away to a foreign country that's dirt poor, and he never told me??

[Papa Bushie then had something of a breakdown, which looked kind of like this (except replace the "Sea monster ate my ice cream" with "My son lied to me about his future plans": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79c5JKjAQFg ]

[Holobushie voiceover:]

My dad obviously didn't take the news very well, that I hadn't shared my plans with him about wanting to move to Kenya full time.  But he ultimately settled down.

He was still curious, though, about one thing.  What was the "Atlas" that Inks had mentioned in court?  Inks had mentioned something about an Atlas, and between that and some comments posted on my Facebook about Inks, he eventually stumbled upon http://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM one day while sitting on the toilet.

When he discovered the "Update" thread, it was a revelation sort of like this (Breaking Bad spoilers): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lC4tAK231mw

Papa Bushie: What?!?  He's been making these plans to move to Kenya all this time, and sharing it with strangers, but not me?  He sold me health insurance that he knew to be fraudulent?  And he had sex outside of marriage!!!

[Cut to Papa Bushie standing in front of the press, giving a statement about his son.]

Papa Bushie: I've been defending my son's choices, but I can no longer do so.  I'm not going to support his attempt to block extradition to the US any longer.  I mean, have you read this?

[He holds up a printout from the Update thread, and points to one post in particular.]

Papa Bushie: His cat scratched him and he started crying?  Have you ever heard such a thing?  What a wimp.

My Dad's press conference drew the media's attention to the "Update" thread in particular, and Atlas in general.  All of a sudden, everyone in America was talking about it, and invoking Atlas-isms.

[Cut to a montage of clips from TV, starting with a teaser for Anderson Cooper 360.]

Anderson Cooper: Tonight, Bushie continues to fight extradition to the United States.  Is the state of Oklahoma unfairly targeting him because he's a fat?

Also ahead tonight, we want to hear from you.  What is your opinion of Edward Snowden?  FF or HP?

We consider hypothetical electoral matchups: Snowden vs. jmfcst: Discuss with maps

And finally, is Miley Cyrus a virgin?

[Cut to Conan O'Brien monologue.]

Conan O'Brien: This is true: American expatriot Bushie might no longer be able to win a Philip Seymour Hoffman lookalike contest, as Mr. Hoffman has recently shaved his moustache.

Andy Richter: Congrats Phil.

Conan O'Brien: The Winfield legacy lives on.

Meanwhile, as the popularity of Atlas exploded, the forum was flooded with newbies registering, many of whom were fools who made lame attempts to latch on to forum memes that they completely misunderstood.

[Atlas forum exchange from early 2014:]

I will now accept my deluge.

No, I won't accept your deluge.  I'll Bradley Effect your Alpha Jew (normal).

Ugh.  Respect your elders newbies.  Learn the forum memes before making a fool of yourself.

Lol, infraction points for excessive parabole.

Shoot me now.

The fact that these newbs haven't all been banned shows how badly the mods have failed.

Complaining about the mods won't help girls get you.


TO BE CONTINUED....
« Last Edit: June 29, 2013, 07:42:23 pm by Mr. Morden »Logged

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« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2013, 09:21:34 am »
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You know, it's because of people like Bushie that Deuteronomy 21:18–21 is in the Bible.
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« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2013, 09:33:30 am »
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OK, this one turned out longer than planned because of the long speech.  Will have to break it up into two posts:

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 5: "Understandable and Good Scenarios You Are Throwing Out"

[We pick up inside the Bushie family mobile home.  Hog and RickRoll have just gotten a big helping of exposition, but there's more to go.  Suddenly, Blondie trots in.]

How did you get in here?  You're not supposed to be here.  We don't have room in this house for a dog!

Blondie: Found an empty window and jumped through it.  In any case, are you guys done yet?

Actually, yes.  I think I'm done here for now.

RickRoll: What?  You haven't told us jack.  Why are you holding out on us?  It's like that time in college when you wouldn't tell us what you and--

Enough about college.  I've moved on now.  Let's change the subject.  Look--

[Holo-Bushie takes another bite of his McDonald's hamburger.]

It'll be time for my lunch break soon.  Or my breakfast break.  Or dinner break.  I probably shouldn't tell you what time it is here.  But I am hungry.  And I can't stand in this holo-imaging chamber all day.  So I've given you as much exposition as you can handle for today, and for the rest, I'll give you the short short version:

I said that I'm talking to you from 2035, right?  But that the tornado also moved you into the future.  That is, the future compared to where you were, in 2013.  But the past compared to me.  It's kind of confusing.

[Bushie takes another bite of hamburger.]

Ah, this is good.  Wish I could share it with you guys.  You must be getting hungry too.

Look, you're in 2029.  It's actually Inauguration Day.  Mike Naso is getting sworn in for his first term as president today.

RickRoll: Whoa.

[RickRoll sits down, as it hits him how much time has passed.  Hog shows less emotion, and is in any case less likely to show emotion in front of Bushie, since he still resents Bushie taking away his orgy location.  Blondie is just a dog, so he isn't as phased either.]

But if there was a way to go back to 2013, you guys would take it, right?

Blondie: Probably, but it probably means less to me than it does to them.  I'm a dog, what does it matter--

RickRoll: Of course we'd take it.

Good, good.  There's been research on time travel in the last few years.  There's a rumor that there's a time machine somewhere in Salt Lake City.  They say that some local crime boss named "The Irishman" has it.  You guys have a mobile home here.  You can drive it up to Salt Lake City and look for the Irishman.  And then, I guess, I'll help you figure out how to get to the time machine.

[Buhie taps some buttons on a handheld device, to open up his imaging chamber door, so he can return to his time.  He's about to leave, when he stops for a second with a parting thought.]

Oh yeah, some traveling advice.  Hog and RickRoll should probably pretend to be a married couple while in Oklahoma.  But once you cross into Kansas, I'd advise against it, because.....well......Fredward's in control of much of the rest of the country on this side of the Mississippi.  He's got roving gangs enforcing sharia law.

[The others react in disbelief.]

Blondie: Sharia?!?

Yeah, it's pretty bad.  Fortunately, Oklahoma was spared, because of its anti-sharia law.

[And with that, holo-Bushie disappeared....for now.]

[Within the hour, RickRoll was at the wheel of the Bushie family mobile home, driving them towards Salt Lake City.]

Hog: Bad news everyone.  Not only does this thing have very little gas left, but we've got virtually no food either.  We barely got started, but we're going to have to stop soon.  There is a TV though.

[Hog flips on the TV, and it's the presidential inauguration.  Mike Naso has just been sworn in as president, and he begins his inaugural address....]
« Last Edit: June 29, 2013, 08:02:38 pm by Mr. Morden »Logged

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« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2013, 09:35:27 am »
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Naso: My fellow Americans:

I love the United States of America. I love her so much that it hurts and makes me angry, frustrated and saddened when I see her in bad shape.

All around the world in human history we've seen attempts at Government and society that could better the lives of people. Sadly, most of these attempts failed. But, for almost 253 years now, the United States of America has remained the sole torch that carries the light of freedom around the world. Many other countries now live under monarchies, dictatorships, and even anarchy. But America remains freedom's last best hope. Where would people look to without the United States? Greece? France? China? It's a scary thought, which is exactly why we need to keep the fundamental principals of the United States alive and well for freedom's preservation.

Today, however, I see a bleak picture for the United States.  Most of the western half of our nation lives under sharia law.  Roaming gangs enforce militant Islam upon unsuspecting citizens like you and me.  In the state of Oklahoma, citizens are free of sharia law, but still forced into homosexual marriages that they would not have freely chosen.  How did we come to find ourselves in this state of affairs?  Who can we blame for this?  Is it the fault of the Millennial Generation?

I am part of the Millennial Generation.  I was born in 1988.  My very first memories of life begin in 1990/1991. I remember my parents enjoyed watching The Cosby Show, Empty Nest, Cheers, Night Court and L.A. Law. By the time I was in grade school, it was Seinfeld, Friends, Frasier and E.R. that seemed to dominate TV in my home. I remember my first trip to the movies after Thanksgiving dinner in 1992 to go see "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York".



When I speak of our current challenges and look backwards at "the good old days", are those the days I speak of?  Many presume that I mean the 1980s.  But let us not forget the 1990s.  Some of my favorite childhood films were released in that decade.  We must honor them as we do the great films of any era.



I first attended school in the 1990s.  I remember when I was in grade school, if there was a fight between students, the teacher would just let the students sort it out.  Nowadays, they would suspend the students for bullying and give them sensitivity training.  If a student tried to point his finger at another student like a gun, he would probably get arrested.  A letter would be sent to the parents, saying:

Quote
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smith,
Johnny has shown signs of violence, and must be reeducated so that he respects a culture of nonviolence, with equal respect for all races, genders, and sexual preferences.

Is this America?

When I was in school, a student once said "I think homosexuality is wrong."  Today, that student would be punished severely (assuming they were not doing so in the Islamist-controlled west of the country).  Was that student a homophobe?  Am I a homophobe because I married a woman rather than a man?  Am I a racist because I don't like rap music?  By today's multi-racial, hyper-progressive standards, I might in fact be considered racist.  But by the standards of the 20th century, I would not be.  How could I have been racist when I was watching the Cosby Show?



Am I a sexist because I preferred the world of women with big hair, over the dystopian, androgynous 21st century?





I don't think so.  Neither do most of you who voted for me.  Though I'm not sure about women voters, since they've backed Democrats in every recent election.

My fellow Americans, how is it that I came to be elected as your president?  Many have asked this question.  A few weeks before the election, I asked my sister's husband "Are you going to vote for me?"  He said "I can't believe I'm saying this, but yeah, why not?  How much worse can things get?  Might as well elect a president who'll do something crazy, just in case one of his crazy ideas works."  God, I love this country.



My fellow Americans, the greatest challenge facing our nation today is how to put down the Islamist insurrection gripping much of our country, west of the Mississippi.  I have put forth three proposals, one of which is bound to be crazy enough to work.

The first is a commando raid on terrorist training camps, and commando assassinations of all terrorist leaders.  These will be commandos in the mold of famous 1980s action stars Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, all Republicans.

A few weeks ago, I called my good friend, Keystone Phil.  I asked him "Phil, if Bruce Willis were to attack Fredward's headquarters with a small team of commandos, do you think the commandos would be able to secure the installation and neutralize Fredward with minimal casualties?  I mean, assuming you could do it with the Bruce Willis of the 1980s or 1990s.  Not Bruce Willis today, since he's like 70 years old."

He answered "Naso, for God's sake.  Stop calling me at this hour!  You're president-elect of the United States!  Don't you have more serious questions to worry about?  Grow up."

I'm sorry, but if growing up means leaving the 20th century behind, then call me Peter Pan.



If option one fails, then the second anti-terror strategy involves dropping tactical nuclear weapons onto key targets in the western United States.  This option has not been popular with other world leaders, who warn of nuclear fallout, both in the United States and abroad.  Many of them say such a move would be destabilizing.  They say that I would be overreacting to America's internal problems, and that I don't care about the rest of the world.  Well, excuse me for being President of the United State of America.  But these other world leaders have no right to sanction us, just like little Johnny should not have been sanctioned by his teacher for pointing at someone like he was holding a gun.

And I should note, it's unfair to say that I have no regard for other nations.  I care deeply about advancing the interests of all Americans.  Ronald Reagan never ruled out the use of nuclear weapons against the Communist threat, and I will not rule out their use within the territory of this or any other country.



The final option is one that I pray is not needed.  While this land is very special to me, the idea of America is more important than its physical location.  For too long, we have neglected this nation's space program.  But now....well, if we cannot have an American continent of North America, then we can have an American moon and an American Mars.  If Bruce Willis can fly into an asteroid to save the Earth from doom, then why can't we fly away to heavenly bodies and recreate America in space?  I see a United States of the Solar System, in which every planet has ratified the US Constitution, with liberty and justice for Americans of all races and all religions, whether they be Christian or Catholic.



That is the country that I see.  Right now, times may be tough, and it may be hard to see her.  But in my heart I know America will come back, it's just a question of if and when. I still see a country I love.

Thank you, and may God bless America.


« Last Edit: June 29, 2013, 06:11:34 pm by Mr. Morden »Logged

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« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2013, 09:41:50 am »
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Plagiarism disclaimer: Some sections of that speech (and some of the pics) are lifted directly from previous Naso threads.
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« Reply #8 on: June 29, 2013, 10:20:39 am »
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I am riveted.
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« Reply #9 on: June 29, 2013, 12:08:52 pm »
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Just so you know, mobile homes aren't.  Once upon a time they were mobile, but even then they never could be driven, only towed.  If it can be driven, it's called an RV (short for recreational vehicle) in this country, not a mobile home.
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« Reply #10 on: June 30, 2013, 05:11:22 am »
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You know, it's because of people like Bushie that Deuteronomy 21:18–21 is in the Bible.

Ouch...
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« Reply #11 on: June 30, 2013, 06:26:27 am »
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Master work.  My thanks and appreciation for adding this joy to our lives.

My favorite line is:

Hog: It's too late for that now.
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« Reply #12 on: June 30, 2013, 07:55:03 am »
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I kinda knew it was only a matter of time before we started seeing a lot of Update fan fiction pop up.
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« Reply #13 on: July 01, 2013, 08:32:24 am »
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I've been playing with the overall story arc in my head these past few days, to try to see if I can get the dominoes to line up the right way, with all the various subplots intertwining properly.  Then I go back to reading Update, and find that real Bushie and fictional Bushie are increasingly difficult to distinguish.

BushOK: Well, I'm trying.  I just want to fit in here in Kenya, and show my Kenyan patriotism.  I want to learn more about the sports here...like football, which you Americans call soccer.  I'm really getting into sports, and will watch the cricket team play for hours on end for several days in a row.  Which I think is the playing time for a single game.

http://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=174552.msg3779970#msg3779970

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Quote from: BushKenya on June 30, 2013, 02:35:45 pm
Quote from: Keystone Phil on June 30, 2013, 02:28:22 pm
Did Our Dear Friend watch the Italy-Uruguay penalty shoot out with his Kenyan clan? Will they be watching Brazil vs. Spain later? The people want to know!

No, sadly, we weren't able to watch any football on this trip.

Is that a sad face I see and calling it Football? Wow! He's a (real) Football fan now, too!

http://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=174552.msg3779982#msg3779982

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If I want to be a Kenyan, I've got to learn to enjoy Kenyan sports!
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« Reply #14 on: July 01, 2013, 08:38:08 am »
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Thanks for the kind words everyone.

I've started writing Episode 6, and will have it up some time this week, but don't get your hopes up too much, as there are not too many jokes in this one.  I've got to move the plot forward, which in this case means fewer jokes.

Just so you know, mobile homes aren't.  Once upon a time they were mobile, but even then they never could be driven, only towed.  If it can be driven, it's called an RV (short for recreational vehicle) in this country, not a mobile home.

Well, let's say it's an upgraded futuristic Bushie family home that is actually mobile?  I don't know, just go with it.  I needed to give them some quick transportation, and wanted to have a TV in there, so this seemed like the easiest solution.
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« Reply #15 on: July 02, 2013, 08:10:21 am »
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The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 6 "I've Been Running On Fumes Of Fumes"

[Hog, RickRoll, and Blondie weren't too pleased about President Naso's talk of nuking the western United States.  Particularly since they were headed directly into Islamist-controlled territory that could be ground zero for such an attack.  RickRoll did note that he was pleased with Naso's ideas for the space program, as he'd always wanted to go into space.  He was equally excited when they decided to stop at a bar in Blackwell, OK, just before the Kansas state line, called "The Mars Bar" (get it?).

The sign in front of the bar advertised a dance competition with a $200 cash prize, which RickRoll was confident they could compete in.  They had no other food or money, so it was worth a shot.  Blondie stayed outside to scavenge for food on his own.  He's a dog, so not quite as picky about what he eats.

As they approached the entrance to the bar, they were stopped by a security guard.  The guard removed a handheld device that looked like a wand, and waved it over Hog and RickRoll.]

Guard: Please don't be alarmed.  I'm just running an IP check on you.

[RickRoll looked at the guard closely, and realized that he knew him from somewhere.]

RickRoll: Inks?

Guard (aka, Inks): Yes, my name is Inks.  (defensively) You're not a federal agent or anything, are you?

RickRoll: No, why would you ask that?

Inks: No reason.

[Inks checked what looks like a cell phone, looking for some kind of reading from the device he waved over Hog and RickRoll.  Then he spoke into the phone.]

Inks: Ernest, could you come up here?

[He then addresses RickRoll.]

Inks: Records show that you were banned from Atlas in 2010.  That's long enough ago that this probably isn't a problem, but you didn't come here looking to settle a score with any moderators, did you?  Because we won't allow you to do so.

[Ernest emerges from the bar.]

Inks: (to Ernest) Ernest, this gentleman (points to Hog) isn't in our file system, but the computer says that this man here (points to RickRoll) is RickRoll, a "friend" of Bushie's, who trolled the Update thread back in 2010, and was subsequently banned.  Do you remember him?

Ernest: Can't say that I do.  But we banned so many people in the intervening years, that that's not unexpected.  If he was banned that long ago, then I'm sure there are no hard feelings, and he understands that we did what we had to do to uphold the Terms of Service.  Gentlemen, if you wish to enter this establishment, you are welcome to do so.

[Hog and RickRoll, went on to explain that they had traveled through time, and had been sent on a quest by a holographic version of Bushie.  Ernest didn't buy their story, but was nonetheless intrigued.  He invited Hog and RickRoll into the bar to have a drink with him.  Inks followed after them, with Tender Branson replacing him on guard duty.

As they sat down for a drink, Hog noticed the complete lack of women in the bar.]

Hog: What's with this place?  All dudes....

Ernest: This establishment is primarily frequented by Oklahoma married couples.....and former US Election Atlas moderators.  Both demographics skew heavily male.  I can provide the 2020 Census data from Dave Leip's redistricting app to give you the exact numbers if you're interested.

RickRoll: I don't understand.  Why would so many moderators from the Atlas be here?

Ernest: In the later years of the forum's existence, the troll problem became so great as to require.....extraordinary measures by Nym and the moderation team.  In many cases, our actions could fairly be described as crimes against humanity.  But here, on the Oklahoma state line with Kansas, we are relatively removed from the reach of US and international law enforcement.....and too remote for the families of executed trolls to seek out revenge against us.

Nym himself actually owns this establishment, and many of us continue to work for him.

Inks: Not that he gives us much money to live on.

Ernest: Nym's resources are relatively meager.  The Atlas did generate significant revenue from premium memberships in its waning years, but none of that went to the moderation staff.

Inks: It's rough.  Ernest and I are actually entering today's dance competition to earn some extra money.  And if I may say so, we're not too bad.  (proudly) Won it last year.

Ernest: The competition is held every year on Jan. 20, regardless of whether it's a presidential inauguration year.  I believe it's some sort of morbid joke on the part of Nym, reminding us of our former work on a political forum.

RickRoll: We were hoping to enter that competition as well.  We need the prize money.  We've got no food, no gas, and no money, and we're trying to get to Salt Lake City.

Inks: Salt Lake City?!?  Are you crazy?  Do you know how dangerous that is?  To travel through all that Islamist and troll territory?  Come on, you're lying to us, admit it.  I'm beginning to wonder if you're really even here in this room, or if you're appearing from a proxy server to hide your identity.  Are you a sock account of Mondale84 by any chance?  Consider:

1. Your IP matches that of a banned user, RickRoll.
2. You give us an implausible account of having traveled through time.
3. You claim to be on a journey to Salt Lake City at great risk to your life, with no supplies and no money.

You have to admit that this is pretty suspicious.  I suggest that if you're hiding anything, you come clean now, or risk being banned from this establishment.

Ernest: Easy there Inks.  You're having PTSD flashbacks to your moderator days again.

[We cut to an exterior shot of Blackwell.  Blondie is wandering through the streets, looking for anything to eat.  He passes by a young boy, walking by himself.  Blondie is a bit surprised, since it's getting dark out now, and this doesn't look like a terribly safe place for a young kid.

Just after they pass one another, the boy turns around, points at Blondie, and yells...]

Boy: Hey!  I know that dog!  That's Bushie's dog, who's been missing for 16 years!


TO BE CONTINUED....
« Last Edit: July 02, 2013, 09:57:01 am by Mr. Morden »Logged

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« Reply #16 on: July 02, 2013, 09:51:24 am »
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I think I can safely say that I would not be winning any dance competitions.  I could say more about my mischaracterization here but I won't. Complaining about being in a fan fiction won't help the girls get me.
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« Reply #17 on: July 02, 2013, 10:09:32 am »
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I think I can safely say that I would not be winning any dance competitions.  I could say more about my mischaracterization here but I won't. Complaining about being in a fan fiction won't help the girls get me.

I'm not a professional writer, so the level of effort I go to in getting the characterizations right varies a lot.  Wink  Sometimes, like in the Bushie/Inks courtroom scene (which was probably the most fun to write of anything I've done so far), I borrow heavily from the kinds of things the posters in question have posted on Atlas.  But much of the rest of the time, I'm just trying to move the plot forward, and don't really care much about the characterizations.

And of course, some of the "characters" here on Atlas are more distinctive than others.  Bushie has a lot of Bushie-isms, so one can throw those into his dialog to make it seem more "realistic".  But with the fictional Ernest, I'm not trying very hard to replicate the real Ernest.  Same with the fictional Nym, who I haven't gotten to yet, but I don't think it's much of a spoiler to say that he will appear, since he owns the bar.
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« Reply #18 on: July 06, 2013, 01:11:52 am »
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The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 7  "We Prefer Early Dinners So We Can Enjoy Our Evenings"

[We pick up on Blondie, outside on the streets of Blackwell, having just been confronted by the young boy, who recognized him as Bushie's long lost dog.]

Blondie: Huh?  How would you know that?  How do you know who Bushie is?

Boy: Everyone knows who Bushie is.  Everyone knows him from "Update", which made him famous.  Everyone hated him because he let you run away.

Blondie: I didn't run away.  I was sucked into a tornado and thrown 16 years into the future.

Boy: Everyone really hated him.  Everyone loves puppies, and didn't like that his puppy J.J. ran away and probably died.  They made songs making fun of Bushie from Update.

[Cut to a recording of an autotuned reenactment of Bushie saying that he's going to "sit here and cry" after the cat scratches him...with all the emotion from leaving his job at ONG and the broken engagement as well....Ed Helms is playing Bushie (though he opted not to gain weight or grow a moustache for the role) and a "Greek chorus"-like panel of three people, including Aaron Rodgers, represent the other Atlas posters: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ks_wf1O0mA ]

Blondie: Well that was a long time ago.  How would you even know that, if you weren't born back then?  How old are you?  What's your name?

Boy: I'm 10.  But I was 10 back then too.  I've been 10 for a long time.  My name's Yougo.  Yougo1000.

Blondie: How can you be 10 for more than a year?  That doesn't make any sense.

Yougo1000: I don't know.  I'm just a kid.  I don't know a lot of things.  Like how come you can talk if you're a dog?  And how come you're still a puppy if you were a puppy back then?

Blondie: I told you.  A tornado sent me into the future.

Yougo1000: A time traveling dog?  That's dumb.  No one would read that timeline.  I like my timelines better.  1799 John Adams goes for a hike in the woods and gets lost.  Thomas Jefferson becomes president.

Blondie: Listen, Yougo, I don't have any food.  Do you know where I can find some food?

Yougo1000: Give me some money and I'll buy you food. 1800 Jefferson makes peace with 25 countries, and the people like him.  He wins election with VP Aaron Burr.

Blondie: I don't have any money.  I just want to scavenge for food.  Do you know where there's a good dumpster or something?

Yougo1000: You're famous.  People would pay money to see you.  Then you can buy food. 1801 Jefferson supports education bill that Aaron Burr doesn't like.  They have a duel and shoot each other and Aaron Burr is dead.

Blondie: I don't have time for that.  Now come on, where's a good dumpster?

Yougo1000: (thinks for a few seconds) Hmmmm....I know a big one, but it's a few blocks from here.  I'll take you there. 1802 House Speaker Macon invites President Jefferson to give a speech in Congress.  Everyone claps, but then Jefferson trips on his way out and hits his head and dies.  Everyone's mad at Macon for making Congress unsafe.

Blondie: Do you have to keep talking about that ridiculous what-if story?

[Yougo starts to walk down the street in the direction of the dumpster, and Blondie follows.]

Yougo1000: 1803 John Adams comes back from his walk in the woods, and everyone wants him to be president again.  But Russia doesn't like him, so they fire nukes, and the world blows up.

Blondie: Can we please not joke about nuclear weapons right now?

[Inside the Mars Bar, Ernest and Inks are still not convinced that Hog and RickRoll are being truthful about the time traveling, but they nonetheless humor them by answering any of their questions about the lay of the land in 2029.]

RickRoll: Do you know this Salt Lake City gangster that Bushie mentioned, "The Irishman"?

Ernest: I'm not familiar with him, but Salt Lake City is a rat's nest of criminal activity.  It's one of the cities in the Rockies that the Islamists don't fully control.  Mormon militias control much of the city, and there's a great deal of organized crime as well.

RickRoll: How did the Islamists manage to take over so much territory?

Ernest: The key development was the passage of comprehensive immigration reform in 2013.

Inks: Ted Cruz's allies in both houses of Congress managed to slip several poison pills into the bill when it was in conference committee.

[Cut to Cruz giving a press conference, triumphantly revealing the number of new provisions in the legislation which will make it impossible to pass.]



Cruz: The version of the immigration bill coming out of conference committee now includes a provision mandating the release of toxic chemicals onto Florida beaches every summer, as well as the immediate cancellation of all those NCIS shows.  Those things get big ratings, right?  So you're not going to want to vote for this thing, because you'll have millions of angry constituents.

And in terms of actual immigration related provisions, this bill subsidizes the immigration of al Qaeda members across the Mexican border.  We'll fly them over from Pakistan, and have them march from Mexico into the Southwestern US carrying automatic weapons.  Then when they arrive, we have a guest worker program for them.

Inks: Then Marco Rubio held a duelling press conference to respond to Cruz.



Rubio: Hmmmm....I think I'll still support this.  I've bet everything on this thing passing, so I'd look ridiculous if I backed away now.



Cruz: We're giving the terrorists full amnesty.  If this bill passes, any terrorist who immigrates from Mexico gets a full pardon for all past crimes.  We also give them a path to citizenship, though unlike Mexican illegal immigrants, they don't have to pay a fine.  We'll pay them.



Rubio: Yeah, I think I'll still support this.  Can I be president now?

Inks: The conference committee version of the bill passed both houses of Congress.  House Speaker John Boehner had initially vowed not to put it up for a vote, but Nancy Pelosi stole his gavel when Boehner left the House chamber for a bathroom break, and quickly pushed the bill through, much to Boehner's embarrassment.



Inks: Then Barack Obama released a statement, saying:



Obama: I was just about to make out with Michelle.  Just put whatever it is in front of me, and I'll sign it.  Then will you leave?



Rubio: Cool.  We have immigration reform, and a guest worker program for terrorists.  Can I be president now?

Inks: Then Martin O'Malley held a duelling press conference.



O'Malley: Hey Marco, not so fast on that president thing.  There are still lots of other people who could be elected in 2016......like me.  I play in a band.  That's pretty cool, huh?  Makes me seem like a regular guy, and not just another stuffed shirt.

Inks: Then Hillary Clinton tweeted:



Clinton: Lol.  Stop kidding yourself Marty!  #governorodesperatey

Inks: Then Chuck Grassley tweeted:



Grassley: Hey guyz, i dont relly care whch of u is prez, but when u campane in IA, could u stop by & hlp me put out thiz fire? (1/2)
Grassley: i was brning pilz of brush, fire out of cntrl, im on fire rite now (2/2) #pantsburnlegwound


TO BE CONTINUED....
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« Reply #19 on: July 06, 2013, 01:41:20 am »
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Ah, nothing like a good old fashioned pantsburnlegwound joke to round out the day. I'm enjoying this greatly by the way.
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« Reply #20 on: July 07, 2013, 08:52:51 am »
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The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 8  "The Kids Usually Listen To Me"

[We begin in the Mars Bar.  Ernest and Inks are continuing to explain how Islamists took over much of the western USA.]

Ernest: Once so many al Qaeda operatives had settled in the Southwestern US, they began to organize.  There was a big prison break at the Supermax prison in Florence, Colorado, where many notorious criminals were being held, including the blind sheikh Omar Abdel-Rahman, Zacarias Moussaoui, the 1993 World Trade Center conspirators, the 1998 Africa embassy conspirators, and many others.  All hell was breaking loose in the country, but people were slow to react, partly because they were distracted by the unfolding news about "Update" star Bushie, and were mad at him because he mistreated his dog, who'd apparently run away.  Sharia was spreading throughout the region, though Oklahoma's stringent anti-sharia law made it a safe harbor.

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano tried to lead a rapid response team to the Mexican border to prevent any more terrorist incursions, but most of her team was killed, and she ended up resigning her post, and joining a gang called the "Space Bikers", mostly consisting of Oklahoma women frustrated with the recent scarcity of eligible bachelors within the state.

Inks: The Space Bikers are actually still active around this area.  Engaging in people smuggling with Somali pirates in Kansas, selling people who they think will net large ransoms.

Ernest: The Islamic insurgency was gaining ground, but they were disorganized.  The man who actually helped to organize and fund them was Fredward, the first child of a male/male mating in Oklahoma.  The male/male babies had been products of experimental fertility treatment, which unexpectedly caused the children to age rapidly, and even gain adult level intelligence within a few years of their birth.  As the first such child, Fredward gained worlwide celebrity status.  But he soon grew disillusioned with Western culture and his Christian homosexual heritage, and joined the Islamists.  With his help, the Islamists gained enough strength to give us the current quasi-equilibrium:

[Ernest starts sketching a map as he speaks.]

Ernest: Islamist control of much of the Western US, but with Oklahoma an isolated island state, free of sharia, but cut off from the remaining contiguous US states, eastern Colorado controlled by trolls, Salt Lake City contested, with many Mormon militias holding out against the Islamists, Idaho and Montana controlled by independent militias, and North Dakota an armed camp patrolled by the US military to protect the country's nuclear arsenal.  Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii have become Canadian provinces.

Here's a map of the 2028 election, in which Mike Naso defeated incumbent president Oprah Winfrey (ignore shading):



RickRoll: I remember Naso from the Atlas forum, and we saw his inaugural speech, but he didn't seem much like presidential material.

Inks: Naso was considered a longshot early on.  But he did make grandiose promises about finally getting tough on the Islamist insurgency.  Also, Winfrey was the oldest president ever to run for reelection, and she was clearly going senile.

[Cut to a 2028 debate between Naso and Winfrey.]

Winfrey: My first guest is a true inspiration.  She's 53, owns her own business, and suffers from numerous physical ailments.  And I must say that she is STUNNING.  However, despite Senator Naso's claims to the contrary, she would not benefit from his health care plan, as it is her inner self that has suffered the greatest injury.  She requires a spiritual healing for which my opponent would deny her any insurance.  She needs to feel the power that comes from focusing on what would heal her soul.

And now we've come to the part of the show where I ask for some pithy comments from some of you in my studio audience.

94 year old Jim Lehrer attached to life support machine: There will be no commentary from the audience, as this is not a town hall style debate.  Also, it's not your studio audience.

Winfrey: I'm feeling at peace with myself today, and would like to surround myself with people who are going to lift me higher.  I can empower all of you to lift yourselves higher, by simply reaching under each of your seats, where you'll find the keys to your own personal airplanes, which you'll receive as a free gift from me to you.  Finally, did I mention Deepak Chopra?

94 year old Jim Lehrer attached to life support machine: I believe the room was searched by security before the debate began, and there are no keys under your seats.  Also, I'm pretty sure that that kind of vote buying would be illegal.

In any case, thank you Madame President, though the question was about education.  Senator Naso, you have two minutes to respond.

Naso: Thank you Jim.

Education.

I believe we face an education crisis in America today.  When my mother was in high school, she was one of the so-called "popular" girls in school, and even dated a star football player.  However, she knew who Reagan and Bush were, and even what the Soviet Union and Communism were.  She knew of television programs such as The Dukes of Hazard and Dallas.  Does the present generation even know why we celebrate the 4th of July, or who shot J.R.?



In the baby boomer generation, many young people were given an education that prompted them to join the counterculture.  However, others rebelled in other ways, and went on to become Republicans.  Former presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush were both baby boomers, and they came to vastly different conclusions about America's place in the world.





In the Cold War, there was a unifying sense of purpose within the country.  We faced an existential threat to our existence, and we rose to the challenge.  Today, half of our nation is under enemy occupation, and yet the threat feels less real.

My niece is 17 years old and takes history class in high school.  I recently asked her "Do you think the rest of America is in danger of being overrun by terrorists?  Are they going to burn down your house, and force you to wear a burqa?"  She answered "Probably not.  That would suck."

She gets a public education, but is unable to answer this question with more than five words, one of which is "suck"?



Is this because of changes in our culture?  In the 1980s, even when Ronald Reagan was nearly done defeating the Soviet Union, Hollywood still gave us movies like Rambo III, which depicted the fight against Communism in Afghanistan.  In the 2020s, we are still afraid to make movies with Muslim villains because of concerns about cultural sensitivity.  Why is the Hollywood of today so worried about political correctness....other than the fact that Hollywood, along with the entire state of California, is under Islamist occupation, and they haven't been making movies there for many years now?



Thank you, and may God Bless America.

[We cut to the streets of Blackwell, where Yougo is leading Blondie to the dumpster he promised.]

Yougo1000: 1932 The world is still recovering from the nuclear war in 1803.  World population is up to 100 million.  Herbert Hoover is elected president.

Blondie: Listen, kid, why were you out on the streets by yourself anyway?  It's dark.  Shouldn't your parents be watching you?

Yougo1000: I don't have parents.  I've been ten for a long time. 1933 Russia breaks up into three pieces and the western half merges with Poland to form the "Poland-West Russia Federation", or "POWER Federation".

Blondie: But someone looks after you?

Yougo1000: I have someone who looks after me.  But he's not in town.  I'm visiting on my own.  I help people out here, and they help me out. 1934 Hitler attacks the POWER Federation, but they stop him.  Hoover visits the Middle East for peace talks.

[They arrive in an alley just next to The Mars Bar.  But there's no dumpster.  Just an alley with a dead end.]

Blondie: Well, this is right where I started.  My friends are inside this bar, and I started my search for food here, before I ran into you.  But there's no dumpster.   You said there'd be a big dumpster.

Yougo1000: This is where they said to bring anyone I found who would be worth it. 1935 The peace talks keep going, but people in America want Hoover to come home.

Blondie: What?  Who?  What do you mean "Worth it"?

[Yougo's expression changes, and he suddenly looks very serious.]

Yougo1000: Like I said before.  You're famous.  People would pay for you. 1936 Hoover is kidnapped in the Middle East, and America pays a big ransom for him.

[And with that, the Space Bikers appear, flying in on hovercraft-like vehicles.  They grab both Yougo and Blondie, with Blondie letting out a big yelp as they fly off into the night.]


TO BE CONTINUED....
« Last Edit: July 07, 2013, 09:29:40 am by Mr. Morden »Logged

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« Reply #21 on: July 07, 2013, 09:03:45 am »
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Should note that I didn't put all that much thought into that electoral map, regarding both the allocation of House seats and which states are won by which candidate.  I just wanted a narrow Naso win, and that looked good enough for me.  Also wanted to make sure that Oklahoma was isolated from the US, so AR and MO are part of sharia-land.  Distribution of House seats, I don't know.  Obviously, this is a rather bizarre timeline, so who knows how populations would shift in such a scenario?  I just took this guesstimate from jimrtx:

http://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=165939.msg3547399#msg3547399

and then added 1 seat to several of the states bordering sharia-land because, um...refugees?

If anyone wants to actually suggest any changes to it, I'm open to retroactively adjusting it.
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« Reply #22 on: July 07, 2013, 09:49:52 pm »
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This is great
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Yeah, after four years of being a non-disruptive poster on the forum, never considered a troublemaker, even someone who was liked well enough to be elected Atlasian President, Napoleon should be allowed to stay.


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« Reply #23 on: July 08, 2013, 02:15:39 am »
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This is awesome. Do you mind if I make a color-coded map of territory controlled?
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« Reply #24 on: July 08, 2013, 02:17:17 am »
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This is awesome. Do you mind if I make a color-coded map of territory controlled?

Go for it.
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