Update Season VIII - "Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!"

[Mr. Morden]

You'll also need at least $15,000/year to take care of them.

Not if they're living in Kenya!

[Mr. Morden]

She said singles can definitely adopt and the residency requirement is 6 months and 6,000 Euros which is $7,500 or so per child.

What do you mean by residency requirement?  You have to live in Kenya for six months?  So foreigners living outside the country can't adopt?

[Mr. Morden]

It's almost like he's simply put up a wall where he refuses to listen any of the facts when it comes to these kids. He can't adopt them without a wife, and he must be married for 3 years. Period. End of story.

He has to be married for 3 years before he can adopt there?  Hmmm....how old are these kids again?  If he doesn't get married by the time they turn 15, then he can't adopt them before they're legally adults anyway.

[Mr. Morden]

Let's say that, for a second, single males could adopt. Do you honestly think that even if granny fronted him the $15,000 that they would deem fit to adopt? With no job, a poor work history, no income to speak of?

If he were adopting in the USA, obviously they'd turn him down.  In Kenya, I have no idea what kind of standards they have.  They may well figure that any kid growing up in a first world country is going to have enough opportunities to make up for being adopted from the bottom of the socioeconomic ladder in said first world country.

Also, if he did adopt them and they moved to OK, I assume they'd get free Indian health care, even though they wouldn't be Native American by blood, only by adoption? 

[Mr. Morden]

Folks, I have just been in deep prayer and convicted by my God of not living up to my fatherly duties as the spiritual head of the household though we are 8,500 miles apart.

Why are you still calling yourself their father?  I thought you'd given that up.

And what makes you the spiritual head of household?  I thought they were being raised by their grandmother.

[Mr. Morden]

Links to previous episodes:
Episode 1: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!"
Episode 2: "Not Living Up to My Fatherly Duties"
Episode 3: "I Really Don't Think I Need Mental or Psychological Help"

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 4: "I Just Put My Father's Birthday Card in the Mail"

[We begin with a voiceover from holo-Bushie:]

The court proceedings didn't attract much media attention at first, but they were held in Oklahoma (again, with me participating remotely from Kenya), so my mother attended the proceedings every day.  My father had a busy work schedule, but he happened to be attending court the day that Inks blew up at me, and mentioned "Atlas".

[Cut to: Bushie family home, interior.  Mama Bushie is making dinner, and Papa Bushie stops by the kitchen for a word with her.]

Papa Bushie: Well, I mowed the lawn here, mowed the lawn at Bushie's house, chopped down the oak tree for firewood, installed cable TV, fixed the toilet, rescued the cat from the oak tree before I chopped it down, and....what else was I supposed to do?

Mama Bushie: Walk the dog.

Papa Bushie: Ah yes, J.J.

Mama Bushie: Or as some of like to call him, Blondie.  Of course, we never agreed on the name, just like we never agree on anything.  We're trapped in a loveless marriage, with our son as the only thing holding us together.

Papa Bushie: Let's move on.  I can't walk J.J., because he's missing, remember?

Mama Bushie: Right, missing ever since the tornado.  Oh well.  Hey, you said you cut down the oak tree?  It wasn't the one that that guy's been sleeping under for the last couple of weeks, is it?

Papa Bushie: No, no.  He's still there.  I mowed the lawn just inches from his face, and he didn't move.

Mama Bushie: But he's alive, right?  Should we call the police?  Or an ambulance?  Get him some help?

Papa Bushie: I went through his pockets looking for medical information, and no Ameriplan, so I think he's pretty much doomed anyway.

Hey, that was some performance in court today, wasn't it?  I hope Bushie can beat this thing, even though it means he'll never come back here, and our marriage will fall apart.

I was a little uncomfortable about him lying though.

Mama Bushie: What do you mean?

Papa Bushie: All that stuff about having meant to move to Kenya all along.  They'll see right through that.

Mama Bushie: But he *has* been planning to move to Kenya for a year now.

Papa Bushie: What?

Mama Bushie: Yeah, he wants to move there for good.  He's been talking about it since he got back from his first trip there.  Didn't he ever say anything to you?

Papa Bushie: WHAT?!?  I've been subsidizing his life, offering to support him while he goes through school for CAD, just so he could move away to a foreign country that's dirt poor, and he never told me??

[Papa Bushie then had something of a breakdown, which looked kind of like this (except replace the "Sea monster ate my ice cream" with "My son lied to me about his future plans": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79c5JKjAQFg ]

[Holobushie voiceover:]

My dad obviously didn't take the news very well, that I hadn't shared my plans with him about wanting to move to Kenya full time.  But he ultimately settled down.

He was still curious, though, about one thing.  What was the "Atlas" that Inks had mentioned in court?  Inks had mentioned something about an Atlas, and between that and some comments posted on my Facebook about Inks, he eventually stumbled upon https://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM one day while sitting on the toilet.

When he discovered the "Update" thread, it was a revelation sort of like this (Breaking Bad spoilers): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lC4tAK231mw

Papa Bushie: What?!?  He's been making these plans to move to Kenya all this time, and sharing it with strangers, but not me?  He sold me health insurance that he knew to be fraudulent?  And he had sex outside of marriage!!!

[Cut to Papa Bushie standing in front of the press, giving a statement about his son.]

Papa Bushie: I've been defending my son's choices, but I can no longer do so.  I'm not going to support his attempt to block extradition to the US any longer.  I mean, have you read this?

[He holds up a printout from the Update thread, and points to one post in particular.]

Papa Bushie: His cat scratched him and he started crying?  Have you ever heard such a thing?  What a wimp.

My Dad's press conference drew the media's attention to the "Update" thread in particular, and Atlas in general.  All of a sudden, everyone in America was talking about it, and invoking Atlas-isms.

[Cut to a montage of clips from TV, starting with a teaser for Anderson Cooper 360.]

Anderson Cooper: Tonight, Bushie continues to fight extradition to the United States.  Is the state of Oklahoma unfairly targeting him because he's a fat?

Also ahead tonight, we want to hear from you.  What is your opinion of Edward Snowden?  FF or HP?

We consider hypothetical electoral matchups: Snowden vs. jmfcst: Discuss with maps

And finally, is Miley Cyrus a virgin?

[Cut to Conan O'Brien monologue.]

Conan O'Brien: This is true: American expatriot Bushie might no longer be able to win a Philip Seymour Hoffman lookalike contest, as Mr. Hoffman has recently shaved his moustache.

Andy Richter: Congrats Phil.

Conan O'Brien: The Winfield legacy lives on.

Meanwhile, as the popularity of Atlas exploded, the forum was flooded with newbies registering, many of whom were fools who made lame attempts to latch on to forum memes that they completely misunderstood.

[Atlas forum exchange from early 2014:]

I will now accept my deluge.

No, I won't accept your deluge.  I'll Bradley Effect your Alpha Jew (normal).

Ugh.  Respect your elders newbies.  Learn the forum memes before making a fool of yourself.

Lol, infraction points for excessive parabole.

Shoot me now.

The fact that these newbs haven't all been banned shows how badly the mods have failed.

Complaining about the mods won't help girls get you.

TO BE CONTINUED....

[Mr. Morden]

edit: Mr. Morden, I love you and want to have your babies

Sold!  At a price of $7500 per baby.

And btw, while I was kind of flying blind when writing the first one or two episodes of "Hog and Blondie", I've subsequently developed a fairly specific arc.  So yes, the story has a definite beginning, middle, and end, though there are plenty of holes in the overall plot at the moment, where I don't know how to get from A to B to C.  A lot of details which I won't know until I get that far in the writing.  There will be foreshadowing and Atlas meme and character Easter eggs, but also a fair share of random tangents that are just there for my amusement.  I don't know how many episodes it'll take for me to finish.  Maybe ~20?  I have many of the scenes in my head, but it's hard to say how many episodes it'll take to get through them.

This is an interesting thought... do all of the kids in the orphanage have specific sponsors?

If it's like any african thing, you sent money to them and they send you pictures and you can write to "them" whenever you want. Most of the money goes to keeping up the orphanage and yes, probably to their education, but I doubt ONLY Bushie's donations are set aside for those kids. I am sure the revenue is pooled and spent where they are needed.

But again, don't the kids actually live with the grandmother and not at the orphanage?  I'm confused about how this is supposed to work.  The kids are just a front, so as to feed more money to the orphanage, where they don't even live?

Bushie, do your "children" know about the Atlas forum?

Does Bushie's adopted family know about opebo?

[Mr. Morden]

No one was even talking about the Update thread on the mod board, so I doubt it was one of the FC mods.  Most likely it was Bushie himself.  Though one can never rule out Dave, since he tends to act without telling anyone.

[Mr. Morden]

It's not like Bushie to lock it without first making a post about how everyone is being mean to him first.

True, but Bushie just a day or two ago said that he's going to spending a lot less time here, and then his last post in the thread started with "This is the only post I'm responding to..."

[Mr. Morden]

Retrospectively amusing....

We've renamed him J.J. to fit more of a boy personality.

[Mr. Morden]

I just tested on my iPhone and it asks you a confirmation when you click the delete button so your claim that it was an accident is lies

Is it the same when you try to lock a thread?

[Mr. Morden]

I don't have a whole lot on the agenda today until a birthday party tonight at 1730.

Is this another kid's birthday party?  You seem to go to a lot of birthday parties.

[Mr. Morden]

Bushie, out of curiosity, what is the typical adult to kid ratio at these kids' birthday parties?

[Mr. Morden]

Are you going to tell your dad you want to live full time in Kenya within the next year to year and a half?

Is the dog ok?

I'll tell him when I get home.  The old man needs time to get used to the idea, as well.

He just sent me a picture of JJ, so she's okay. We found out she squats instead of lifts a leg, so she's a girl.

How's the female dog that you guys have for some reason named Jeff Junior doing?

J.J. is growing like a weed.  He's as active as ever and he does come inside during the hottest of temperatures.  We are taking him to the vet tomorrow at 1630.  They wanted to wait until I got home to help them.

I am really confused. 

Perhaps the first question to ask the vet: In your expert medical opinion, does this dog have a penis?

[Mr. Morden]

Are you going to tell your dad you want to live full time in Kenya within the next year to year and a half?

Is the dog ok?

I'll tell him when I get home.  The old man needs time to get used to the idea, as well.

He just sent me a picture of JJ, so she's okay. We found out she squats instead of lifts a leg, so she's a girl.

How's the female dog that you guys have for some reason named Jeff Junior doing?

J.J. is growing like a weed.  He's as active as ever and he does come inside during the hottest of temperatures.  We are taking him to the vet tomorrow at 1630.  They wanted to wait until I got home to help them.

I am really confused. 

Perhaps the first question to ask the vet: In your expert medical opinion, does this dog have a penis?

Whoops, all that should say "she."  We'll find out for sure from the vet tomorrow.

WTF?  How poor is the sex education education in Oklahoma?

And you say that you guys have actually owned dogs before?

[Mr. Morden]

My new theory is that Blondie doesn't actually exist.  Bushie just invented him/her in order to add some spice to Update before his trip to Kenya.  But he keeps forgetting whether this figment of his imagination is supposed to be male or female, sort of like Data's cat Spot on Star Trek: TNG.

[Mr. Morden]

Seriously, I have no idea why this forum can't seem to take a joke or always has to attack every slip of the tongue.  It seems this forum doesn't recognize that I am a flawed human, not a perfect robot.  Or, they go to the other extreme that I'm a flawed human with no redeemable traits.  Every minor thing gets blown out of proportion.  I'm just as bad at that, too, but why do we have to make mountains out of every mole hill?

Look, Bushie, I'm not trying to attack you.  It's just that I honestly didn't understand how someone can be confused about such a thing.  Since usually, in my experience, if one actually owns a dog, it doesn't take one long to notice whether or not it has a penis.  I was honestly confused about how someone could be confused about that.  And then you mixed up the sex again three times in your post with male pronouns.  That was just a "slip of the tongue" (or rather, "slip of the fingers")?  OK, that's fine.  I'm not going to attack you over that.  It just seems alien to me how the sex of a dog that you own could be that confusing.

[Mr. Morden]

It's not that hard to see a penis on a dog, and usually female dogs also have nipples along their stomach. This isn't rocket science. If you haven't seen a penis and you've actually checked, then it's a girl. If you aren't looking because you're so ashamed of sex that you won't, shame on you!

It seems odd that not just Bushie, but his parents too, would remain uncertain.  I mean, again, Bushie, I'm not trying to "attack" you on this, I just find the whole situation surreal.

Bushie, does your Mom ever play with the dog, or walk her?  You mentioned that your Dad did, and he sent you the picture, but what about your Mom?

[Mr. Morden]

Another benefit from the trip is I lost 7.5 pounds while I was gone.  I had resurfaced to 268.5 before I left, but now I'm down to 261.0. 

I'm sorry, Bushie. I just saw your last set of fb pics.  You're easily 285+, probaby the +.

The camera adds 20 pounds.

Also, the weight he's reporting here is presumably going by his own scale.  Remember when he went to the doctor (or was it the nutritionist?), and they weighed him, and the weight they gave him was noticeably higher than the weight he'd been reporting from his scale at home?

[Mr. Morden]

OK - I know it's trademark Bushie and all, but why hasn't there been a serious discussion for a while now about the mustache? It's certainly not a good way to get the ladies (Where's The Professor to back me up on something when I need him??).

The moustache is why you can't walk near parks... it screams sex-offender.

But is it that unusual in Oklahoma?

[Mr. Morden]

Bushie, one last point on Blondie's sex.  If you legitimately didn't know if she was male or female, why did you start out by consistently assuming she was male, even going so far as to name her JJ because it sounded more "masculine"?  Does this tell us something about the patriarchy of Oklahoma?

[Mr. Morden]

I might have missed it, but are you planning to live with your parents right up until you move to Kenya?  What happens to Blondie when you move out?  Are your parents up for taking care of a dog by themselves for the next ~15 years, or however long she might live?

[Mr. Morden]

I might have missed it, but are you planning to live with your parents right up until you move to Kenya?  What happens to Blondie when you move out?  Are your parents up for taking care of a dog by themselves for the next ~15 years, or however long she might live?

I'll probably get an apartment sometime next Spring.  No, you didn't miss it, because I hadn't talked about it recently.  JJ will stay with Mom and Dad when I move out.  She has more room to roam here, and it would be cheaper than paying a pet deposit at an apartment.  Plus, being a yellow lab she would likely be too big for an apartment.  She'll be safer and happier with my parents.

If there isn't "room" for her to stay in the house now, surely there will be once you move out, no?

[Mr. Morden]

I might have missed it, but are you planning to live with your parents right up until you move to Kenya?  What happens to Blondie when you move out?  Are your parents up for taking care of a dog by themselves for the next ~15 years, or however long she might live?

I'll probably get an apartment sometime next Spring.  No, you didn't miss it, because I hadn't talked about it recently.  JJ will stay with Mom and Dad when I move out.  She has more room to roam here, and it would be cheaper than paying a pet deposit at an apartment.  Plus, being a yellow lab she would likely be too big for an apartment.  She'll be safer and happier with my parents.

If there isn't "room" for her to stay in the house now, surely there will be once you move out, no?

She already comes in on the hottest of days (usually over 93 degrees).

And in the winter when it's freezing outside?

[Mr. Morden]

I'll be honest, I'm a little skeptical of the "safe, static correction."

You could always test it on yourself, just to make sure it's safe.  Just program it to give you one electric shock for every day you don't walk for 30 minutes.