Update for Everyone VII: Insert Something Philosophical Sounding Here

[🐒Gods of Prosperity🔱🐲💸]

I've been thinking a lot about becoming a devout Christian lately. I don't yet plan on converting, and even if I did I most certainly would not be doing it now, but if I wouldn't be surprised at all if I was a Church going Methodist in 5-10 years time.

Any particular reason for Methodist instead of some other denomination?

I am interested in knowing his reasoning too as the UMC appears more likely than ever now to enter the beginning stages of a schism.

A) Well, I don't know a huge deal about the Theological differences between the various Christian denominations, but of the little I do know, Methodism seems to line up best with what I believe.

B) Regarding the comments on the UMC; I'm not actually from Virginia (the avatar is D-VA so my nickname and avatar match), I'm from Canada, so if I do ever end up becoming a Methodist it's rather unlikely it would be under the UMC.

Since the UMC is a global organization, you would be.  The UMC in North America is generally pro-LGBT whereas the growing African and Filipino churches are overwhelmingly opposed.  Last month the General Assembly rejected resolutions calling for more tolerance toward LGBT congregants/clergy and passed a plan that steered the Church towards a more hardline stance on the issue.

I'm Episcopalian (formerly UCC), so I don't have much experience with Methodism beyond what I've read about it.  Kingpoleon (and I believe shua?) are fairly devout Methodists and can probably tell you more.

Yes I'm a Methodist so I'd be glad to answer any questions if I can.

The UMC mainly exists in the US and in places with a historical missionary connection to the US churches.  Canadian Methodists have other denominations.  Most Methodists I think merged with the United Church of Canada decades ago, but there are also independent Methodist organizations.

I wasn't aware of this.  So presumably the African and Filipino churches have stronger connections to the US missionaries rather than British ones, hence their influence over the UMC?

Filipino yes definitely.   In Africa it depends on the country and whether or not it was ever a British colony .  In Africa as a whole I believe there are even more members of various Methodist churches descended from British missionaries than African members of the UMC. 

[Don Vito Corleone]

I've been thinking a lot about becoming a devout Christian lately. I don't yet plan on converting, and even if I did I most certainly would not be doing it now, but I wouldn't be surprised at all if I was a Church going Methodist in 5-10 years time.

In an era and culture of increasing irreligiosity, what do you think is making you swim against the current?

Honestly, I don't really know.

[Atlas Has Shrugged]

I've been thinking a lot about becoming a devout Christian lately. I don't yet plan on converting, and even if I did I most certainly would not be doing it now, but I wouldn't be surprised at all if I was a Church going Methodist in 5-10 years time.

In an era and culture of increasing irreligiosity, what do you think is making you swim against the current?

Honestly, I don't really know.

That’s a good answer. I’m completely serious - that is a very good answer. It means that whatever is compelling you towards faith is an external force, and that you have the wisdom and trust to listen. It’s a mere first step, but it’ll be the most important one you ever make!

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Walked out of my last final. Outside of that, all I need is to complete the thesis for this degree. Onto the next one.

[Don Vito Corleone]

Walked out of my last final. Outside of that, all I need is to complete the thesis for this degree. Onto the next one.

Did you major in Engineering?

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Walked out of my last final. Outside of that, all I need is to complete the thesis for this degree. Onto the next one.

Did you major in Engineering?

Lmao. No. Why do you ask?

[🐒Gods of Prosperity🔱🐲💸]

my recycling pile has become a roach amusement park

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

You know, we're only a third of the way in, but I can say with full confidence that 2019 has probably been the most important year of my life, and it's introduced me to seeing life in a different way than I've seen it before. Specifically, it's been important when it comes to my self-image, my mental & emotional health, and how I feel about myself and the world.

I guess example numero uno of how 2019 has effected me so far is identity. Elephant in the room coming through. This is the first year of my life when I actually take my identity seriously. I'm still trying to come to terms with it all. By that, I mean I'm in full ing panic mode 24/7 and feel great shame in it all. I feel like an intruder in the trans community. I know I'm not. But it certainly feels as though I don't belong. That I'm not welcome. Like I'm not like them, or that I'm not trans enough to classify myself in the same boat as these people. Oh, and it doesn't help how I feel great shame in my actions towards treating my identity last year, and how I was being stubborn. That, and I was being a dick to a certain particular user about it, (*cough cough* Skunk *cough cough*) and I feel as though while her pressuring to make sure I should accept myself this way was a tad uncalled for, she certainly would've been easier on me had I not been an annoying POS.

Speaking of me being an annoying POS, my self-deprecating personality has grown rapidly these past four months. I don't know if you've read my post history as of recent, but if you haven't it's pretty much 50% shootposting, and 50% "oh my god I'm such a vile and horrible person who needs to die," you know, that kind of filth. Must I say, I definitely do not love myself. Or even like myself, for that matter. It's a strong burning hate towards my body, my academic performance, my work ethic, my mental health, my identity, my personality, etc. I often spend my nights just sitting there on my bed, fan on, crying, checking Discord every now and then, wondering how the hell I let my life get to this point. Misery and woe are two little demons I am far too familiar with. I have a strong and firm belief that it will not get better. That I am doomed to be a failure, as well as a waste of oxygen who should just leave her world and never come back. The stresses of high school, a dysfunctional family, teenage life in general, health concerns, identity, and a myriad of other pains leave me with no room to be happy.

But to be honest, what even does make me happy? Perhaps I need to come home. Not physically come home. I mean come to a state in my mind where I am at ease. Where I know it will be okay. Where I can be held in someone's arms, them brushing against my hair, telling me that it's all going to come out right. I need to feel like I can be happy. When I was a little turtle, what did I want out of life? I badly wanted to be free. I wanted to do many things that I am now able to do. Walk outside, buy stuff from vending machines, wear hoodies and t-shirts, live a casual and carefree existence. Well, I do at least have the freedoms of the average teenager. I do know some trivial stuff. I do have friends. I talk with people online. I play video games. So please, help answer my million dollar question:

Why aren't I happy right now?

Well, I guess the stresses of life do outweigh the carefree parts of life. Y'know, the feelings of watching a sunset on the beach. Listening to a slow song. Getting hugged, Knowing you're being loved. Doing things you enjoy. It does seem hard to get any joys out of life. But I guess there are times, very rare times, when euphoria does come. When happiness does arrive. When you feel like life is all just gonna be okay. The feeling of how life twists and turns, it all comes 'round right. As I sit here, bawling tears comparable to waterfalls, having trouble typing out these very words, I wish those moments of euphoria actually lasted. I wish life was easy. I wish it can all be okay. While I have embraced the fact that it won't be okay, and that I will probably never live a life of consistent happiness, those few very rare moments of tranquility give a certain mood that words could never justify, and they make life actually seem worth living. It's hard to convince myself that life will go smoothly eventually. I might not be able to do it. But who knows? Maybe it will happen. Maybe life will be at ease.

Maybe, for once in my life, I will truly feel complete.

[Trans Rights Are Human Rights]

In other news, I'm trying to accept that I will never be happy. I'll never be able to be seen as a woman or even someone who wants to be a woman. I'll always be seen as nothing more than a perverted man who jacks off to the deterioration of his junk instead of something normal, like wearing a dress. It's bad enough that the only way I can continue my life without everybody seeing I'm really a man (I wish I weren't, but unlike other trans people I'm not valid) is to get a metric sh**t-ton of plastic surgery and move to a town where nobody knows who I was, and even then, I'd still feel like a fake. I've spent seventeen years hiding this aspect of me, do I really want to hide it for another sixty to seventy more?

Is happiness even possible? If so, why am I not happy? I have everything anybody could want in life. My family is accepting of who I am, I'm on hormone replacement therapy, my grades aren't in the sh**tter, there's practically nothing in my life that could make me feel the way I do. Except maybe the possibility that I made up my whole transgender thing for attention. But the idea that I'm not really trans scares the sh**t out of me. When I think of the idea of spending my life as a man, I want to kill myself because it just seems so impossible to enjoy. But when I think of the idea of spending my life as a woman, I want to kill myself because it's impossible for me to achieve. Do I really expect anyone to look at me, someone who is so obviously a cis man who's ruining it for actual trans people (For God's sake, I can't even wear a dress without sweating out of it!), and see a woman? Do I expect anyone (especially anyone attracted to women) to be attracted to me when I look and think the way I do?

Maybe the world would be better off without me. Too bad I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it. Maybe once I'm forced to overcompensate for my physical masculinity by wearing overly femme clothes that I'm not comfortable in, someone will finally see me as the threat to the world that I really am and kill me. At this point, I'd probably let them. Too bad the deed will be done under false pretenses: My eventual killer won't think I'm a threat because I'm generally unpleasant and should have just remained that sad guy in the hoodie who only talks to get mad at people who don't hate him because her "authentic self", whatever the hell that means, is just a genuinely sh**tty person. No, the reasons I'll be killed isn't because I'm an asshole, but because I'm a tranny. I don't want to be a statistic, but from an objective point of view, I'm probably not going to be alive ten years from now. If I haven't killed myself by that point, someone else will have. My pipe dream of being part of a cute lesbian couple is exactly that: a pipe dream. I'm the only "woman" (as if anybody actually thinks of me as a woman. Give me a ing break) whose standards are low enough to include me.

Before I drift even further into insanity, I'm going to leave you with this:
What I want to think I look like vs. what I actually look like


EDIT: Images didn't fit.

[🐒Gods of Prosperity🔱🐲💸]

Peebs maybe you can try and find something in your life you can value and put your energy into that doesn't revolve around your body or how people look at you.

[afleitch]

In other news, I'm trying to accept that I will never be happy. I'll never be able to be seen as a woman or even someone who wants to be a woman. I'll always be seen as nothing more than a perverted man who jacks off to the deterioration of his junk instead of something normal, like wearing a dress. It's bad enough that the only way I can continue my life without everybody seeing I'm really a man (I wish I weren't, but unlike other trans people I'm not valid) is to get a metric sh**t-ton of plastic surgery and move to a town where nobody knows who I was, and even then, I'd still feel like a fake. I've spent seventeen years hiding this aspect of me, do I really want to hide it for another sixty to seventy more?

Is happiness even possible? If so, why am I not happy? I have everything anybody could want in life. My family is accepting of who I am, I'm on hormone replacement therapy, my grades aren't in the sh**tter, there's practically nothing in my life that could make me feel the way I do. Except maybe the possibility that I made up my whole transgender thing for attention. But the idea that I'm not really trans scares the sh**t out of me. When I think of the idea of spending my life as a man, I want to kill myself because it just seems so impossible to enjoy. But when I think of the idea of spending my life as a woman, I want to kill myself because it's impossible for me to achieve. Do I really expect anyone to look at me, someone who is so obviously a cis man who's ruining it for actual trans people (For God's sake, I can't even wear a dress without sweating out of it!), and see a woman? Do I expect anyone (especially anyone attracted to women) to be attracted to me when I look and think the way I do?

Maybe the world would be better off without me. Too bad I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it. Maybe once I'm forced to overcompensate for my physical masculinity by wearing overly femme clothes that I'm not comfortable in, someone will finally see me as the threat to the world that I really am and kill me. At this point, I'd probably let them. Too bad the deed will be done under false pretenses: My eventual killer won't think I'm a threat because I'm generally unpleasant and should have just remained that sad guy in the hoodie who only talks to get mad at people who don't hate him because her "authentic self", whatever the hell that means, is just a genuinely sh**tty person. No, the reasons I'll be killed isn't because I'm an asshole, but because I'm a tranny. I don't want to be a statistic, but from an objective point of view, I'm probably not going to be alive ten years from now. If I haven't killed myself by that point, someone else will have. My pipe dream of being part of a cute lesbian couple is exactly that: a pipe dream. I'm the only "woman" (as if anybody actually thinks of me as a woman. Give me a ing break) whose standards are low enough to include me.

Before I drift even further into insanity, I'm going to leave you with this:
What I want to think I look like vs. what I actually look like


EDIT: Images didn't fit.

PM me

[Mr. Smith]

Another tooth pulled. Can't do anything for a day.

[Don Vito Corleone]

My Mother keeps asking me why I don't have a Girlfriend yet.

I'm working on it Ma, I'm working on it.

[Pouring Rain and Blairing Music]

Saw Beto in San Francisco today. Very, very animated haha

[DaWN]

Started a course at university on populism. Eagerly awaiting the class on Montana's senior senator.

Been through the whole course and Tester was not mentioned once. Exceptionally disappointed, want my £9000 back.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Yesterday, I was at choir practice at school, and we have been practicing the same two songs every day for the past month or so, because we're going to be performing in front of some judges in a high school in Cedar Falls this Saturday. We're doing In Flanders Fields and an American Folk Rhapsody of three folk songs. The second song in the rhapsody is a slow song called Simple Gifts. I've had no trouble performing this song so far. But I payed some more attention to the words yesterday, and some lines really hit me:

To be simple
Is a fine gift
To be simple, and to be free
To be happy, to be simple
Is where you ought to be

I actually shedded a couple tears of sadness, because I'm neither simple, nor free, nor happy. Luckily, nobody noticed. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[muon2]

Yesterday, I was at choir practice at school, and we have been practicing the same two songs every day for the past month or so, because we're going to be performing in front of some judges in a high school in Cedar Falls this Saturday. We're doing In Flanders Fields and an American Folk Rhapsody of three folk songs. The second song in the rhapsody is a slow song called Simple Gifts. I've had no trouble performing this song so far. But I payed some more attention to the words yesterday, and some lines really hit me:

To be simple
Is a fine gift
To be simple, and to be free
To be happy, to be simple
Is where you ought to be

I actually shedded a couple tears of sadness, because I'm neither simple, nor free, nor happy. Luckily, nobody noticed. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

I'm so sorry that Simple Gifts brought you sadness, but I am glad you mentioned it. Simple Gifts makes up the main melody of Copeland's Appalachian Spring. I had the fortune of hearing it performed under the composer's conducting, and my reaction is positive. It is even more so today as I am driving through the NY Appalachians.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Yesterday, I was at choir practice at school, and we have been practicing the same two songs every day for the past month or so, because we're going to be performing in front of some judges in a high school in Cedar Falls this Saturday. We're doing In Flanders Fields and an American Folk Rhapsody of three folk songs. The second song in the rhapsody is a slow song called Simple Gifts. I've had no trouble performing this song so far. But I payed some more attention to the words yesterday, and some lines really hit me:

To be simple
Is a fine gift
To be simple, and to be free
To be happy, to be simple
Is where you ought to be

I actually shedded a couple tears of sadness, because I'm neither simple, nor free, nor happy. Luckily, nobody noticed. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

I'm so sorry that Simple Gifts brought you sadness, but I am glad you mentioned it. Simple Gifts makes up the main melody of Copeland's Appalachian Spring. I had the fortune of hearing it performed under the composer's conducting, and my reaction is positive. It is even more so today as I am driving through the NY Appalachians.

It is a beautiful song. I mean, just hearing the song or even singing it it alright. But I guess actually paying attention to what I was saying with the context of the state of my life made me bawl up. We actually weren't going to sing the rhapsody originally. The people running this all-state competition (the Iowa High School Music Association) has a list of songs that we could choose from to perform, and my choir director originally chose Down In The Valley. However, I'm kind of happy that we didn't do it. Not because I hate it, if anything, I adore the piece to death, but that song is just so saddening to me, but at the same time, it makes me feel alright. I like listening to that song and pretending a bunch of people are surrounding me trying to comfort my sorrowful self. It just brings an avalanche of emotions rushing rapidly through my heart, and I don't think I could handle performing that on stage while trying to appear normal.

But Simple Gifts is a sweet song, and the message it has, especially in the verse I quoted, brings a powerful message. It's just so powerful that it touched my heart in such a way that I just couldn't help but cry. I wish I was simple, happy, free, etc. Life is a b!tch, but who knows, in the end, maybe it'll come round right.

[Trans Rights Are Human Rights]

I'm spending my morning time off waiting for my Spanish teacher to show up so I can do my damn presentation. If she doesn't show up, I swear to God...

[Co-Chair Bagel23]

Wtf, My cubicle buddy Wilson is getting the sh!t yelled out of him rn by the head boss, hard to concentrate and work with all that noise ha

[Co-Chair Bagel23]

Sweet, they just order in Tiff's Treats, all is forgiven lol

[💥💥 brandon bro (he/him/his)]

I am in the process of being ghosted by a tinder match AMA

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

I am in the process of being ghosted by a tinder match AMA

This is probably the norm, given my experience.

[Virginiá]

I am in the process of being ghosted by a tinder match AMA

Did this surprise you or did you feel like it was going to work out

[Fight for Trump]

Taking a Research & Development mini-sabbatical to Kuala Lumpur starting tomorrow.